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I don't think you are unreasonable. I don't know many smokers so I didn't really have a problem with this but I'm on your side. My friend had her mom only smoke outside and have one shirt she always wore for smoking, which she took off immediately. This at least kept the smoke to a minimum inside.

I mean, Id be alright personally as long as the person washed their hands and changed clothes before holding my baby. And I wouldn't want them in a house or vehicle where someone smokes inside (the car is 100% non-negotiable. No one will smoke in a vehicle with my kids in the car. Ever.) I dont think it's unreasonable to not want the contaminants though. Smoking is disgusting (and I say this as a former smoker) and they are finding out new things about how bad second and third hand smoke is all the time.

I don't think you are unreasonable. A majority of my family smoked (my mom included) until a year ago. If they hadn't stopped I would have had the same rules about changing tops and washing hands. Being around second hand smoke is miserable.

I'm sure your DH is upset because it's hard to not take a family criticism personally. Hopefully when you have a baby you'll be able to find a solution without getting upset with each other.

My parents smoke heavily. I asked that they wash their hands and mouths before touching and cuddling on my newborn/infant. They still smelled sometimes. And my dad acted like I made a big deal out of hand washing and wouldn't hold her. Fine. When my mom came to visit, she wrapped her hair in something and wore a "smoking jacket" and was respectful that i didn't went my newborn smelling like an ashtray. Unfortunately, she still wore perfume against my wishes, so E sorta smelled like a whore house sometimes.

You can always make your pediatrician be the bad guy, too. I would imagine he or she will suggest similar rules

Just to be clear, we would probably consider letting LO go to MIL's house on a very limited basis when she's older if it were just the smoking issue. But last time we went over there it was early evening, and MIL had no pants, no teeth (hers are almost all fake), and she was clearly super high on pills. So it's a bit more extreme. But even with just the smoking LO would have to be 5+ at LEAST and we wouldn't leave her unattended because I don't trust MIL or her husband to not light up around her.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I am very allergic to smoke, and if I am in someone's home that smokes, my eyes swell shut. There is no way I would have LO smelling like smoke.

My DH is also pretty touchy about his family. I'd let him call down and explain it doesn't mean they cannot see the baby, but these are the rules (Wash clothes;shower, etc.) before they can be around LO.

My mom wore heavy perfume and bright red lipstick she would smear all over my LO. He broke out in a rash from it and I told her she couldn't wear the lipstick around him anymore. Grandparents do a lot of things for their grandbabies it turns out!

I would also stand firm on this! It's never been easier to quit smoking, with nicotine patches and e-cigarettes.

@mrbee: I agree that there are more resources than ever if you want to quit smoking, but I don't think it's easy. My dad has been smoking for 50 years and is being forced to quit because his health is imminently on the line. Even with that "motivation" and all the resources, it still has been extremely difficult for him to quit.

I don't think you're being extreme or over-reacting at all. My MIL smokes outside only, but I fully plan to set some rules with her regarding handwashing, shirt-changing, etc. I definitely don't want her going from smoking directly to holding the baby. I think she'll be okay with it, given that she's been so respectful of my intolerances to cigarette smoke thus far. Pregnant or not, it makes me feel nauseous. I would definitely expect my husband to side with me if it were an issue, though. The health of your future kids has to come first.

@stiletto_mom: I am with you on not exposing kids to secondhand smoke, but I don't think it's equivalent to playing in sewage!!

@stiletto_mom: ok, so I agree with you about second hand smoke and I would never take my child of any age into a house where people smoked inside. But, I think you'll get much farther with people framing the issue nicely i.e. I understand that you choose to smoke but because of the known risk I'm more comfortable with you visiting the baby at our house, etc.... rather than comparing their habit to rolling in sewage and/or telling you husband that they can't be trusted (assuming smoking is the only issue, but it honestly sounds like you and your ILs might have other issues).

This is a tough topic, and I think it's a very personal one and relationship dynamics play into it. We have family that smoke. They live four states away. They do not travel to us. The only time they see us is if we travel to them. We don't have much choice to visit their homes (that they smoke in). Our kids see them on a very limited basis and they do not smoke in front of the kids. I don't like it. But I do want them to know their family and smoking isn't something I will get them to stop.

I agree with you 100%! Thankfully no one in our families smokes. Honestly, if I had a friend who was a smoker who wanted to hold the baby or something I would say NO! Sorry! I mean, this isn't the 50s where people don't know the risks and damage of secondhand/thirdhand smoke. People can choose to do what they want but I am not exposing my child to it.

There are a lot of ppl at my work who smoke and they stand outside the employee entrance and do it. If I'm coming into the building and they are out there, I walk way out in the parking lot instead of on the sidewalk so I don't have to walk past them. And I'm sure they think it's rude, b/c everyone always says hi and chats, but I don't care! I am not exposing my unborn baby to cigarette smoke. I don't care if it's family or friends or whatever.