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Eeee... that's a really hard situation!!!! gahhh. I have no idea.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Generally, my perspective is that an abortion is about a woman's body- so her right to choose that option is because it is her body. Men don't really get a say, because its not their body.
With the availability of birth control, I don't really have sympathy for guys in this situation. Even if a woman says she is on hormonal birth control, if you really don't want a kid, you use a condom.
Its pretty easy to avoid getting someone pregnant if you don't want to have a child.

That could have something to do with where I work- in a residential facility for pregnant/parenting young women. The dads area hardly ever involved in any meaningful or useful way and it pisses me off A LOT.

My husband is pretty fond of saying that its easy to get through life without raping someone or getting someone pregnant if you don't want to. But he's the kind of guy who takes a lot of responsibility for where he puts his penis

@adnama: agreed.

I think if the dad can somehow prove that he was coerced into the pregnancy ( fished a condom out of the trash for example) and she said she terminated when she didn't, the dad should have some kind of legal protection if he can document it.

Wow, tough. If I was the guy, even if I didn't want a child, I would find it hard to not want to see my child, so I think you should pay the child support.

I think both parents should be equally on the hook.

In general, men aren't really given a voice in these decisions and that isn't fair... but I don't see an alternative right now. Once a portable womb technology comes along and women aren't needed to carry a baby to term, then I think men will deserve and get much more of a say if they would like to keep a child.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: IF all precautions in prevention of a pregnancy were taken and the couple he had made his views about not wanting a child very clear, then I don't think he should pay. Fathers are often not thought highly of in these situations. Pay to play? Well that applies to the mother too. Do not expect the man of a fling to want to support your child if you choose to keep it.

I'm pro-choice and I believe fathers have a choice also.

Now, if no precautions were taken I have a harder time with that. The whole situation seems very very touchy and I struggle with it a lot because of my personal situation. My husband is an amazing father to two children, their mother is insane and takes every advantage of the system as she possibly can. Not many people take a fathers side because the mother is obviously (sarcasm) the most important parent.

Nononono NO. I think this is so crazy.

If you were a man, and had sex with a girl and she got pregnant.. wouldn't you want a choice? If you were 100% against it, but she wanted to keep the baby..why is that purely her decision? I agree she should be able to keep it without his permission, but making him pay for it is batshit crazy. Mothers have the ability to terminate or give it up for adoption but the fathers get no say whatsoever.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Honestly, I think it IS in the best interest of the child if the person who doesn't even want them stays out of their life! Why would you want to be around someone who never wanted you? that isn't healthy either.

In the best interest of the child, child support should be provided.

Maybe the dad could find an "adoptive" family for his portion of the child support.

I don't know if this is the case everywhere but where I live a guy (or girl) can sign away parental rights, its similar to putting a child up for adoption, except just the dad would do it and the mom would have full rights to the child. That get the dad off the hook with any responsibility, no child support, no seeing the child, nothing. I think it should be the responsibility of the male to do the research and find solutions like this and be proactive about making it happen, that way they are no longer legally responsible.

ETA: If the man can't do that/ doesn't do that, then I think they should be responsible for child support. I do think the system is a bit flawed (a womens right to choose, but guys get no final say), but I do understand why it is that way, and I don't have a better alternative. I think the childs needs are just going to trump the parents in this case. All that said this is a SUPER hard question, and I'm not totally confidant in the answer I just gave because of that.....

Oh wow, I never thought about this until just now. I am thinking that it does actually sound unfair to make the father pay for child support if he didn't want the child and even tried to support the mother with getting an abortion. I can even see a scenario where he thought they were using protection, but the pregnancy happened anyway and in that case it makes even more sense.

But I also agree that child support wouldn't exist if this were a way to get out of it. I feel like the majority of fathers to unplanned babies would use this as a way of getting out of paying. Meanwhile the mother is making the biggest sacrifice in choosing to do the right thing and has to carry all of the burden. Paying child support sucks, especially if you didn't want the baby - but imagine what the mother is going through. It's still unequal.

If he doesn't want to pay child support, he should have the option to give up his parental rights and not pay.

It is so unfair that a woman can have an abortion if she doesn't want a child but a man doesn't have any choice. My feeling is that a man should be able to sign away any and all parental rights in the same time frame as legal abortions and not be on the hook for child support. It is sad that the child is the one that suffers but if we are being honest here, any man that would sign away his parental rights probably wouldn't pay child support anyway...

@yoursilverlining: But why is it always the men who get blamed for messing up? What if the woman wanted a baby and fudged the type of birth control? Women have been known to say they "used" protection when they didn't just because they wanted a baby without anyone's permission. [and on a lighter note, family court is already a circus. ]

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I think that sex is a biological need and to deny someone that because "you could make a baby" is unrealistic. I feel like expecting couples (or even grown adults) to stop having sex for the possibility of reproducing is a very old way of thinking. We're grown adults and we expect the person we're with to act as a grown adult. If you are in a relationship with someone and have certain expectations of children (none or in the future) and your girlfriend told you she was on birth control and then stopped, I cannot possibly see how the man is at fault here. She betrayed his trust.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Yes- abstinence is the only fail-proof method of birth control. If you don't want the consequences, don't engage in the behavior.

@.twist. funny you say that--i came across a big thread on another baby site where a lot of the women were sharing "secrets" and the most popular one was, "oh i SAID i was on birth control (NOT!), even though my husband didn't want a 3rd/4th child, now we have to have one!"

@.twist.: Haha, yes it is. I should have said, family court would become MORE of a circus!

I think in this case men get the blame because in this scenario, the man is the one looking to get away from supporting a child who is already there and who is his. If a man really doesn’t want a child with a woman, he can use protection himself, regardless of what she says about birth control. The support is for the child, and most of the time it’s needed support so I don’t think it should be easy to get out of. That said; I don’t think it’s fair, but I don’t know what a fair solution would be. It’s a tough situation, but since women are the only ones who can get pregnant and carry to term; maybe it’s just going to be inherently unfair? It's a tough call!