How can we talk to my husband's parents about their financial future?
Background: My husband and I are I'm the process of buying a house. A credit/debt check revealed an account neither if us recognized with an owed balance of nearly $5,000. The bank looked into it, and determined my husband was an authorized user on a line of credit his parents had opened last year to help my husband with a purchase he had the cash for but not the credit limit. He paid them back right away and then the line was supposed to be reserved for emergencies only. When we saw the purchases it is very clear it is not bring used for that at all. My in-laws have other lines of credit they use and my mother-in-law had a shopping addiction that forced them to drain their children's college funds. She tends to revert back to this in times if stress and right now she is very stressed - my father-in-law has Parkinson's, requires lots of care, and has recently gone on medical leave from his job. My MIL works full time in sales, but she claims they are broke. They rent now, after selling their house two years ago.
My husband had tried several times to discuss their debt and long term financial planning (elder care, funeral expenses, etc.) but they shut down. My husband and brother-in-law have started a small account to help out, but I don't think that is enough.
How can we help? Or get them to talk?
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Honestly I'm sure they are aware they are in a bad place, most people who have excessive CC debt know. I think unless they are willing to make big changes in their lifestyle to pay it down there isn't much you can do. It stinks that they aren't willing to look toward the future but with the medical issues and what not it might just be overwhelming. I would for sure close the 5K line of credit since it is effecting your credit score.
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Honestly, I don't think they are going to react well to someone telling them what they already know. Especially a child telling a parent.
I would have the line of credit with your husband on it closed and continue with the small account that's already been established and move on.
They are his parents...not his children. I really think pushing more into it isn't going to do anyone any good. -
If your FIL has Parkinson’s, requires a lot of care and is on medical leave, there is a good chance that they have not been using that LOC for frivolous purchases and that they are indeed broke.
I would look into a local elder-care agency and see what tips they have. Some will facilitate talks about these subjects, other can at least give you some pointers on how to start the conversation.
If you’re worried about that specific $5k debt on your credit report, if he’s really just an authorized user you can request that the account reference be removed from your credit report (as authorized users have no financial obligation to repay balances owned (vs. co-signers)). You can also contact the lender and request to be removed as an authorized user from the account so that going forward nothing will be reported on his credit report.
I feel you - finances are something we have to talk to my parents about, and the talks are HARD. I would probably go about doing the removal of the account from your credit report without telling them, and begin the real conversations around elder care and care of your FIL – bring the debt issues in after making sure that his wishes for end-of-life care are known and documented so that they can be respected.
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If they're not receptive, I would have your MIL at the least look into a life insurance policy. At the very least, so that debt doesn't come down to you when they're gone. Most debts can be written off, but not all. When my grandparents died, my parents were left with a house with 3 mortgages. It was hard to get it to all "go away" for lack of better term.
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Definitely close the line of credit.
My dad is horrible with money and it affects my mom, so which is why my siblings and I have had to step in a few times. It's a never ending battle because my dad won't listen and he threatens to leave my mom and the house. Which doesn't do anyone good. We've thought about other ways to legally protect my mom but it's hard to make a decision between siblings. Plus, it will cost money and it will have to be one of us or us pool money.... then there's a sibling that won't contribute any money whatsoever to my parents. I don't mind paying $30 bucks a month for something like a cell phone so we have a reliable way to reach them. I would put money towards paying for a lawyer so my mom can divorce my dad but, of course, my mom would never do that. It's definitely a hard situation to be in.
I would say that this is something your DH and his family have to deal with. I'm sure my dad would not be happy if our spouses were involved. My one BIL does voice his disapproval to my dad and sometimes they don't talk to each other.
Also, I kinda feel for them for having to deal with the medical issue. Maybe suggest a counselor to talk through it. Getting the emotional help might alleviate the other issues. I don't know how bad the shopping addiction was before the medical issue but it could be a factor.
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I tried to talk to my parents a few times about their finances, it was unsuccessful. It's hard to see them make these choices, and I worry about how it will effect me when they are older and need care, but it's their life and their choice and all I can do is hope they get their act together soon.
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One way you all could approach the matter is after fixing the issue the way @yoursilverliving: is just loop them in. You can explain how the debt impacted getting a mortgage and what you did to resolve it. Then, offer support. The extra account is already set up, but find out what else you could do that mag not be financial like taking FIL to some doctor appointments.
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I'd get his name off the card ASAP and let them know the door is open if they want to talk, but otherwise I wouldn't push it.
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I would get your DH off the line of credit (and anything else of theirs that his name is on), but that's about it.
If they are in a bad place financially, I am sure they already know it. I don't know how much of it is your business unless they are asking for help.
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There's not a lot you can do unless your MIL really wants to change. What she's dealing with is a compulsion that really requires therapy or some kind of support group. Its an addiction. If you do choose to talk to your in-laws about the situation, I would couch it in terms of not wanting your MIL to have to worry about money at the same time she's trying to care for her husband. Perhaps she will meet with a debt consolidator and get one payment negotiated. They will make you cut up your cards and all that, so that might help. I would seriously discourage helping out financially unless you are willing to just give the money and consider it gone into a big black hole.
Having seen my grandmother suffer through Parkinson's, its truly AWFUL. I would try and get your in-laws information on public benefits that can help them manage the expenses of your FIL's care (SSDI, Medicare, etc) and see if there's low cost accessible housing they can be eligible for. My grandmother got just about everything covered through public benefits and it took a load off my family who had to provide her round the clock care until she went into hospice at the end.
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