Hellobee Boards

I LOVE that book! I read it shortly after we got engaged, and then found out that it was also the basis for our church's (very non-religious) marriage prep course. Any time I feel like I need a reminder of what makes marriage work, I refer back to the book. I really love its common sense, evidence-based approach to marriage.

My husband and I are pretty good about fighting fair and taking a reasoned approach to disagreements. I think the one principle that helped us the most was understanding that it's okay not to agree on everything and that only the most major, fundamental disagreements may be dealbreakers (but even they don't need to be), whereas disagreeing over something trivial (like how often we clean, or how we load the dishwasher - yes, most of our arguments have to do with domestic duties!), even if you disagree about it FOREVER, isn't going to make or break a marriage. It's common sense, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment you can forget it.

this is SO interesting. Haven't even finished reading yet... let alone took the poll.. here I go!

Can I click all of the above?! ha.

You probably won't believe me when I say this, but we have never critisized each other or shown contempt towards one another. It's always been very important to both of us not to do this in our relationship and I'm happy to say we've been successful so far.

Defensive - check! Guilty! We've come a long way though. When DH expresses an issue he's having, I try not to immediately start getting defensive and he does the same. We still haven't mastered it yet though.

Stonewalling is hard to answer. It's been 5 years together and DH still won't speak up sometimes if he's against doing something I'm proposing. I've gotten a lot better about reading his cues though and he has made an effort to be more assertive. And I've never had a problem with talking to him about OUR issues, but I used to bottle up all my own non-relationship issues which really bothered him. So I guess we do stonewall at times, but as time goes by it's less and less.

Very interesting!

Most of these issues we have dealt with and thankfully got over within the first year of marriage. Obviously it takes a lot of humility to continue avoiding all these pitfalls, but it's so worth it to have the thriving marriage we have.

I used to be very critical of my husband and he used to stonewall me. I would pick apart things he did that annoyed me, and during conflict he would walk away or be silent and never try to work it out.

It didn't take long though for us to see how these two reactions were tearing the other one down. We learned to resolve conflict better. We now are more patient and calm and both respectfully hear the other person out before saying anything, admit we're wrong and ask for forgiveness.

I must say sometimes I'm sure I still come off as a little critical when I'm stressed or upset about something, but my husband is so sweet and just ignores it until I'm in a mood to be confronted about it.

I would probably be the one to get more defensive, but I'm not one to or ever have been a table turner... and I generally very quickly regress & apologize.

DH would try to stonewall when we first started dating, but it was more of a passive aggressiveness.. something that I saw my dad do in my parents marriage so for us it got dealt with pretty quick. lol If it hadn't there would've never been any I Do's.

Otherwise we tend to avoid all of the 4 when communicating or in conflict. =)