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For my kids, they may recognize my DH's parents because of skype, but they suck at actually engaging them when they visit in real life. My parents don't skype, but they are always going out on adventures with my kids and playing with them. So I'd say they're closer to my parents. I don't do much in the way of kin keeping, but DH does initiate most of the skype calls with his parents.

Due to a family feud, DH didn't really know his dad's side, but they [and we] and actually quite close to his mom's parents. They live the closest of any of the relatives at 2 hours away. They're too old to play with the kids well, but we love them anyway

My paternal grandpa died when I was young and my grandma was too old to engage with the grandkids anymore, so we're not super close. She's also just a hard personality to spend time around.

My maternal side played host for some of my favorite vacations. They're more formal, but I feel closer to them than my dad's side.

True for me - due to extenuating circumstances. My dads parents both died before I was one...so naturally I was closest to the only remaining set of grand parents I had.

As for my kids...I think they have special connections which each grandparent. My parents are divorced, so they have 3 sets. They definitely are closer to my parents, then their new spouses. They are probably least close to my MIL - she is weird about inviting herself over, and is a bit of a night owl....so she is done it to herself. Her husband (FIL) frequently stops by in the mornings for just 20-30 mins to play...the kids love it. MIL is usually still sleeping when he does this.

Its interesting to think about who the kids would run to if all four biological grand parents were lined up.

@Anagram: @dahlia: I told my mil and husband that I refuse to be in charge of their relationship and I’ve often said if they want to see our kids kids they should act like they want to see my husband more as well. I already work full time, deal with my family, an annoying husband , 2 kids and all the household stuff that many women do so I’m not taking it on. Another issue at play for us is they rarely wanted to see us when we were childless so now with kids them wanting to be over all the time felt overbearing and unnatural. I think if they would have had a stronger relationship with their son (or me) it would be different. We’ve been together since we were in high school so there was plenty of time. Now that I have a son I’ve often thought if I should rethink how I’m viewing this but I really believe if the child is close to the parent they’ll be involved. Finally, I’ve often felt and think this article shows that women get blamed and made out to be the bad guy in some of this stuff when really the husband doesn’t care/doesn’t want to go. The way we do things they have no one to “blame” but my husband

@Anagram: Honestly after having my son is when I softened up with my SMIL. I would never not wanna be involved in my son's life and for that reason I took on the job of making sure the kids have a relationship with them. DH does not do the sharing of pictures or facetime and I understand he doesn't see it as important but I do. I'm hoping this is good karma for me and my future DIL.

It's all personality in my family. My parents lived with my mom's parents, and my grandma pretty much raised me. But no one kept my father's mom away, she just wasn't interested. She had another granddaughter to dote on, and didn't need us. This didn't end well, but again, not because anyone was trying to keep her at a distance.

My MIL's definitely more interested in being a grandma than my mom. She's not able to be as hands on as she'd like because of her health, but she tries... with my mom it's often like pulling teeth. But she takes care of my grandma, which I could never do because of logistics. So I guess it's all fair.

This was true growing up, but is not at all true for my family now. My children have a very close relationship with my in-laws and see them often. They are not very close with my parents and don’t see them often. This is partly because my mother is a narcissist, so we don’t go out of our way to see them. It’s mostly because they live far away and don’t make an effort to come see us while my in-laws do.

It’s true for my family. Some of it is definitely distance - my parents live three hours away but visit at least once a month, whereas his family lives in England and only comes once a year. The relationship we DO have is, I feel, mainly down to me - I’m always the one who suggests we call - but I’m starting to lose interest in maintaining it, as I seem to be the only person who cares. My husband never suggests calling them and they never call us, don’t send birthday presents, and just told us they’re probably not going to visit this year. I really want my kids to have a close relationship with all their grandparents but the frustration that nobody else seems willing to put in any effort is getting to me.

For me growing up it was not true, I was really close with both sets of grandparents.

This was true for me growing up, but not true for my kids. But I do think things would be different if my mom was still alive, since my dad and I have never really communicated well.

My son is definitely closer to my parents than my MIL, and my MIL is definitely upset about that.

However, there is a long list of reasons why my MIL is not able to babysit for my son. Some of them are logistical and health-related, and to be honest some of them are because I don't trust her judgement or her decision-making. I don't think it is in my son's best interest to allow her to babysit.
She also pushes for everything to be on her terms which I don't really have time or energy to indulge. So I throw up a lot of boundaries to preserve my sanity.

My parents are super type A and responsible, and while I have my own baggage with them sometimes -- they can be overbearing and do not always share my values or my politics -- I fundamentally believe they will always put my kid's needs ahead of their wants or convenience. And they will babysit on our terms. So, they watch my son two days per week after school.

We barely spend any time with my parents as a family other than seeing them at the end of the work day after their babysitting gig. We "socialize" with my MIL about once or maybe twice per month on the weekends. I know both sides would like more weekend time, but with two full time jobs and a crazy schedule we don't have a lot of time for errands or for downtime as a family.

If I had a better relationship with my MIL, and if she had a better track record for sound decision-making and the ability to show up reliably and babysit according to our weekday schedule, the situation would be different. But this is the best I can do without feeling resentful.

I will admit that the broader trend from the article is one reason I was hoping Baby #2 would be a girl. More broadly I wanted to experience both genders but I also feel like I have better odds of having stronger family connections when I am retired. I think there is plenty I can do to avoid being in my MIL's situation but separately I think the dynamic tends to be true for other reasons. I also agree that this often falls on the husband's poor communication skills but that doesn't mean I am immune to it!

This is definitely true within our family. Growing up, I was very close to my maternal grandmother because she was my main "babysitter" and lived close by. My paternal grandparents lived a few states away and we only saw them once a year or so.

DD is much closer to my family, because my mother is also DD's primary babysitter. They're together a few days a week. DH's parents live nearby as well, but he's always had a very rocky, fragile relationship with them so they aren't very involved (by their choice). DD loves them and sees them once every few weeks, but the relationship will never be the same as it is with my side of the family.

I think there is a difference between not kinskeeping for your partner and actively blocking. I’m sensitive to this because while my in laws can frustrate me, Family is a priority to me, so I support and to An extent encourage a relationship between my husband and His family and thus my son and my in laws. I have two SILs who do the opposite- I can’t tell if it’s actively blocking, or just creating enough roadblocks by not prioritizing it, but the result is the same- there is a HUGE disparity in the time they spent with his family v hers. I resent that, especially since there are no major reasons in place in either case. That said, I do think my parents have a slight advantage- both sets live a trip away- my in laws about 5 hours by car, my parents 3 hours by plane. We split holidays every year (one family gets thanksgiving, the other Christmas). We host my in laws for weekends probably 4-6 weekends per year. My parents come less often but for longer each time. I’m also more comfortable taking my son to my parents than to my in laws for mostly logistical reasons (space, safety) but also because I’m more comfortable. As he default parent, I tend to have more time caring for my son when my husband isn’t there, so at those times I’m more likely to visit my parents than his. But I’m sensitive to wanting it to be reasonably even, so while I don’t plan things, I definitely don’t discourage or throw up roadblocks. I will also say my husband is good about FaceTimeing his parents about once a week, so although I’m still default planner/ kinskeeper, he does work to maintain ties with his family also.