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No one, unless you want to blame the parents for not living in a place where everyone speaks that language (in your case, your parents didn't raise you on China!). If anything it would be your parents fault more than yours.

I'm hopeless any language but English, as are my American parents. If DH was fluent in another language I'd be tempted to have him only speak that language but I think if a teacher told me it was causing problems, I would probably do the same as your parents, minus the blame.

No one is to blame! That sucks that your mom blames you.

I had a similar experience growing up. My parents talk Vietnamese at home. They used to take us to Sunday classes after church to learn it. Growing up we (my siblings) just had no interest in learning it. We complained every Sunday. I think we would rather go to the dentist than Vietnamese school. (Oh, I also had an accent growing up and I was trying to fit in with my English speaking friends.)

I grew up in the suburbs and there were very few asians in our classes. So naturally we all stuck to preferring english. My older sister was born in Vietnam and she's the best one out of all of us, but I think it had to do with her appreciating where she was born and learning it when she was an adult. She was an insurance agent and so she had clients that were Vietnamese. I actually didn't appreciate the Vietnames culture until I moved across the country and to Seattle where there is a huge Vietnamese community. There are pho places everywhere. Oh, I also visited VN for the first time a few years ago. I think now and then that I should learn. Oh, I have heard from my older sister that if I watch Vietnames movies that I'll pick it up again. I really think exposure is a part of it.

I think you have to want to learn it for it to stick. Growing up different wasn't something I particularly liked so conforming to be white and speak english is what I did and wanted.

I think maybe if I lived in an area with a big Vietnamese community (like if grew up in the city of Philadelphia), I would be around more people and it would be second nature for me.

ETA: I admit that my suburbia upbringing causes me to go the other way when I see a group of Asians. LOL! I think my siblings and I do that same. We all married white/caucasian spouses. I do have Asian friends. I think my parents are holding out hope that maybe their grandkids will marry or date a Vietnamese person. Ha!

@Raindrop: she should just blame the teacher and move on! I have heard anecdotally that kids who speak another language at home take a little longer to catch up for the first few years of school but they generally do catch up with no problem. However I've never looked into it since I never had anyone around who could speak more than high school Spanish.

I blame your teacher for giving terrible advice! Your parents should have been encouraged to speak and teach you Cantonese at home! All current research supports continuing your native tongue or first language while adding a second one at school! (I have a Masters in ESL and teaching language).

This sounds like a "no one" situation to me and your mom should let it go.

In my case, my dad did not even try to speak Chinese to us. He said it was because my mom (who was American) did not speak it and he didn't want the rest of the family speaking a language that she didn't understand. I was resentful for so long...until we actually went to China and I realized that his dialect is so old school that no one actually speaks it anymore.

My cousins (who are 100% chinese) have gone through something similar to you. They grew up American and are pretty good at Chinese but some of our older relatives make comments about how their chinese isn't good enough. Meanwhile, no one would ever question why I don't speak it because I look white, so obviously why would I speak Chinese? They are exasperating sometimes.

This reminds me of how my mom would blame my sister for being overweight back when she was like 8 years old. Too big of an appetite. No attention to how they went out to dinner most nights. Grossed me out so much to hear her talk about my sister that way.

@Raindrop: I wrote out a whole thing but then the Internet ate it!

In a nutshell, my guess is that your mum feels regret for stopping speaking Cantonese with you all those years ago. She likely blames herself for you not being able to speak fluent Cantonese now and it's just easier for her to place the blame somewhere else. She prob made the best choice she could've at the time but maybe now in hindsight she thinks otherwise. Parenting is hard! But it's also not fair to blame a child for something that was out of their control!

@Raindrop: Its the parents fault. I can fully relate to your situation. I have the same thing with my parents also saying its my fault I cant speak the language. I think its hard for them to admit they didnt do "As good a job as other parents" so I just let it slide when they say it

Sounds like they were just trying to do the best thing for you with the information they had. I guess maybe your mom is disappointed you don't know the language better and that is her passive aggressive way of expressing that disappointment/annoyance. She's probably annoyed at herself and displacing it onto you.

My husband's parents both spoke/speak a different language than English and it is not the same second language. He had the potential to learn 3! He didn't and he is disappointed today. His parents just decided not to speak to him in those languages even though they both spoke to their parents and family in them.

They say the best time for someone to learn a different language is as a child, the younger the better. However, it definitely can appear to have a negative impact on your language acquisition and expression when you are starting out. Often kids exposed to and using a second or third language are slower to speak, or have a harder time understanding or using English because their brains are trying to process more. They eventually catch up though. The struggle of multiple languages isn't for everyone.

Ultimately, imo, it's the parent's "fault". But they were under very poor advisement.

Kids can pick up multiple languages and between the ages of 3 - 7 is the magic window.

Of course it has to do with your own effort as a child, but I find it unfair of them to try and pin it on a "lack of initiative" on your part. As a child, they hold the decision-making power.

But it's not about the blame, I think at this point, it's a regret or a resentment that she and you, need to let go.

@Raindrop: Haha! Same here! I always thought they sounded so similar and that it both could understand each other cause my dad would speak to my grandma in Canto and she'd understand and respond in Toisan and he'd understand! I didn't know until I my friend from HK told me she couldn't understand Toisanese and I'm like huh?? really?? She's like no, it's totally different!
But if your parents speak Cantonese, how did you end up speaking Toisan?

I totally think it's the siblings fault! I have 2 younger brothers and I speak Cantonese the best out of the 3 of us because I had my mom's exclusive attention up until I was 4. I didn't have anyone to speak English with at home until my brother started speaking. So basically it's my fault that my younger brothers don't speak Cantonese very well. As for me, I guess it's my parent's fault that I didn't get better than I did.

if my parents hadn't spoken korean at home almost exclusively growing up, i doubt that i'd be fluent today. that's really the best way to absorb a language, especially when you're young!

I was actually just thinking of a similar post recently. I blame the parents. I grew up in a household where my dad spoke 2 other languages in addition to (broken) English. My mom only spoke English so that's what we spoke at home. I blame my dad for not making an effort to teach us kids. I would hear him weekly on the phone talking to overseas relatives so I am familiar with the sounds of the language but do not understand it. I think it's also a generational thing. People our age have parents who just wanted to assimilate and draw as little attention as possible to the fact that they were foreigners.

Nowadays, pretty much everyone realizes the value of imparting language to their kids early, so I think families are more inclined to be multilingual at home when the parents speak different languages.

As for siblings, I'm fascinated watching my two. Yesterday they started a conversation in German, switched to French midway and then picked up in English again. My older one is usually the one who sets the language for the two of them and the younger one just follows his lead.

I am on the other end of this. I used to speak Spanish mostly fluently but I lose it almost immediately when I'm not immersed in it or using it a lot. I consciously chose not to try to speak Spanish to my son. It was more than I could could handle as a new mom. Now at 2 he is not seriously behind in language but definitely on the late end of talking. It makes me glad we didn't try two languages because I think it would have made him delayed (which happened to me). So I take responsibility but it isn't always so clear cut. At least I know if he chooses to learn a Latin based language I'll be able to help him in school.

@looch: I wonder if it was just a timing thing then that seemed like a language thing. I didn't speak intelligably until after I was 2. I mixed the two languages together so much no one could understand me. But then we moved to US for a year and I learned English. When we moved back overseas I had to relearn Spanish.