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Is your partner reliable? (Mostly a longish vent)

  1. Mommy Finger

    pomegranate / 3247 posts

    @Caly: DH says the same thing too. He just doesn't think about it. My theory is that he's this way b/c his mother was one that did absolutely EVERYTHING for her family so he never had to think about anyone else but himself. He's slooooowly coming around but it's frustrating to no end.

  2. wrkbrk

    pomelo / 5084 posts

    @erinbaderin: That's not about being reliable, it's about being respectful.

  3. ShootingStar

    coconut / 8472 posts

    @erinbaderin: DH is pretty reliable - if I ask him to do something, especially if I write it down he'll take care of it. But he and I don't always have the same idea about priorities. I could totally see leaving him alone with the kids and having him not do anything I would expect, but instead of be changing door knobs too. I would totally not prioritize door knobs, but he would.

    @Foodnerd81: I used to have a lot of trouble with DH leaving on time too. Only in my case, he's responsible for daycare pick up and they close at 6. I've been really worried a couple times that he's going to leave late and traffic will be suckier than usual and he'll be REALLY late. I yelled at him a few months ago about how this is his responsibility and he needs to take it seriously and leave work at a reasonable time. We both work demanding jobs and I am actually more senior than him. It's not fair for me to do all the pickups and drop offs, he has to pull his weight. Once in a while when it can't be avoided, fine. Losing track of time on something that will have to wait until the morning to finish is not ok.

  4. Foodnerd81

    wonderful cherry / 21504 posts

    @ShootingStar: it's different in that I'm home, I'm just getting more frustrated waiting and maybe end up putting the kids to bed late. But that would be worse- being late for pick up. Not cool. He just never builds in time for anything to go wrong, then is like, well I would have been there on time except for (train delay/ phone call ran over/ traffic/ baby spit up on me). And to me it's like, no there is always something. You have to build time in for it. This is for everything not just coming home to help with bedtime.

  5. tlcbaby

    nectarine / 2750 posts

    Outside of the diaper thing, which seems like more of an "oops" (that I would not be happy about, either), I don't see this as being "unreliable". It sounds like he was being helpful around the house. Not that you shouldn't be upset, but maybe you two should just discuss what happened because you may have just had different expectations for how the day would go.

  6. ShootingStar

    coconut / 8472 posts

    @Foodnerd81: Yeah, I wouldn't appreciate being left to do every single kid related thing from the time the wake up to the time they go to sleep. At 5 on the dot I'd be texting him to get his a$$ home, lol. But in our industry it's not common to put in super late hours. So if he was leaving after 7 (especially since he gets there at 7:30), I'd be pissed.

  7. IRunForFun

    pomelo / 5509 posts

    I have to say I think my husband is "reliably unreliable," meaning I can predict ahead of time the things he's not going be reliable about, so it's not a surprise when it happens.

    We have different priorities, our brains work differently, and I also think he has undiagnosed ADD. He is easily distracted and has a really bad memory, but when he is dedicated to a task he is all in and laser-focused.

    I've learned ways to work around it so it doesn't really bother me. He's almost always late because he gets distracted getting ready to go somewhere and starts doing unnecessary things (like suddenly he HAS to transfer a plant to a new pot as we are headed out the door) so if I'm scheduling something I build in extra time or tell him it starts earlier than it really does. If it's something incredibly important I need him to be on time for I have him set alarms on his phone or call him and stay on the phone till I know he's leaving. I manage bills and finances because he's forgetful about that stuff. I do the grocery shopping because he's an impulse buyer. I will message him reminders periodically throughout the day of stuff that needs to be taken care of.

    It sounds like nagging but at this point he doesn't mind because he knows he needs it. And there are totally trade-offs in areas where I'm unreliable. He's wayyyyy better at deep cleaning because of that whole laser-focus thing. He pretty much takes care of the dog stuff 100% because I'm too lazy to walk him as much as he needs. He's super smart and helps me with my school work.

    The caveat here is we have done couples counseling for over 2 years now to figure this stuff out and learn how to communicate and manage. It has been a total game-changer. I'm sure 2 years ago all the things I do WOULD seem like nagging but now we just know it's the way it is and it's what works and that's OK.

  8. gentlelunette

    kiwi / 698 posts

    @Truth Bombs: are we married to the same man? My husband has the WORST time management and it drives me bonkers. He is constantly leaving work late and underestimating or under reporting the time it will take to do something. It's a huge strain in our marriage right now, because I am the complete opposite.

  9. Truth Bombs

    grapefruit / 4321 posts

    @gentlelunette: even his parents make fun of him because if you ask him how far of a drive something is the answer is ALWAYS 20 minutes. Actual time can vary from 15-60 minutes. 😒

  10. sapphire

    nectarine / 2173 posts

    My DH does things differently and can't always remember what times things are supposed to happen or when they happened, but he knows that they NEED to happen and can figure out what LO needs very quickly. He certainly wouldn't forget a diaper or a nap! That would be so frustrating.

  11. csross217

    kiwi / 554 posts

    DH is pretty reliable when it comes to DD (though I'm still on mat. leave so we'll see what happens when I return to work next week...) but when it comes to random household things, he's useless!

    For example, we went grocery shopping yesterday and when we got home I settled in to nurse the baby and asked that he put the groceries away. After I finished nursing I went to the kitchen and all the food was still out on the counter and DH had disappeared. I found him in our backyard measuring the lawn for an above-ground pool. We've never even talked about getting a pool...... things like this happen often.

  12. erinpye

    pomegranate / 3706 posts

    DH is super reliable: I never have to ask him to do anything like that! I can absolutely see how that would be frustrating, though.

  13. caterw

    persimmon / 1445 posts

    @oliviaoblivia: MY HUSBAND ASKS OUR TWO YEAR OLD IF IT'S BED TIME TOO!! It drives me craaaaaaaazy (obviously). I just started WAH and have had a couple big projects that need to get done, so I put him in charge of bed time. He let DD stay up until 11:30 one night watching movies, playing kitchen, reading, etc. That was the last straw- we had to have a pretty serious conversation about what is an appropriate bedtime.

    He also "doesn't know what to give her for breakfast/ lunch". Dude. You have been her parent as long as I have and you know what she eats (and it's basically the same 2-3 easy breakfast and lunches every single day unless I am making something fancy).

  14. Anagram

    eggplant / 11693 posts

    My husband is generally a super responsible guy in all areas of life. Parenting tasks he's always on top of, although he can only come up with 2-3 meals to give our kids (and they are all breakfast foods, but breakfast for dinner occasionally isn't the end of the world). He's actually a rock star dad...I sometimes wish he put the same energy into our relationship!

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