Right, let me tell you the back story first:

My BIL and his long term girlfriend announced that they were 5 weeks pg back in mid-August. I have no idea if they were trying or not - but they sounded delighted! Just one day later, they very sadly lost the baby. They didn't want to talk about it - and swore they were okay - but I've been where they were and I know how devastating it is. Two weeks later, they got engaged and initially announced their wedding would be at the end of April - I think I'm the only one who noticed that their chosen date would have been the baby's due date.....

They've since moved the wedding day to June 2013. I have no idea if they are trying for babies now or waiting until after the wedding. I do know that SIL's super excited about the wedding and seems in great spirits - but you never know how people are really coping, do you?

It was only a month after their loss that the same thing happened to us. We hadn't told family about the pregnancy - so we didn't tell them about the loss. As time went on, I found it harder and harder to find the words....

So, cut to now - we're pregnant again!! It's still very, very early days but I'm trying to think positively and I'm looking forward to announcing at Christmas (I'll be 9 weeks) after our early scan (if all goes well). Around the table on Christmas day will be me and DH, MIL and FIL, my mum (who already knows!) and SIL + BIL. I'd initially planned to slide the scan pics into Christmas crackers and have them discover them! How fun is that idea?!!

BUT I'm worried about my SIL and BIL. Christmas will mark just over 4 months since their very early loss. Digging deep, if it were the other way around, I think I'd want a heads up before the public announcement, so I could compose myself. But if we tell BIL and SIL - and my mum already knows - there's no point doing the big surprise announcement!!!

Now I'm not desperately precious about my big moment - I'd rather my SIL be okay - but am I worrying over nothing? I mean, not everyone is as sensitive as I am, right? But I keep coming back to how upset I'd feel to have to watch my inlaws go crazy over the happy news they're going to be grandparents - when their first grandchild should be 5 months along in my tummy.

What would you do?

I thought I might make a trip to see my SIL (she lives 100 miles away) in person and tell her first. Do I see her alone? Or do me and DH go and see them both? Is that just as bad as a big announcement? If I go alone and see just SIL, will BIL feel bad that DH didn't tell him in person? DH was the first person BIL called when they were expecting. Should we just call them? Do we tell them about our loss - or not mention it?? Maybe mentioning loss will cause them to be upset when they'd be happy otherwise???

ARGH! I don't know what to do for the best. I just want to do the right thing by them - because that's what I'd want if the shoe were on the other foot and because I love them both so much.

What do you think, Bees?