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A bit of a longer emotional vent.... I was talking to a formerly-best friend of mine about our pregnancies. She is 18 weeks, I am 9 weeks. She knows about our loss and infertility diagnoses. She has had two unplanned pregnancies (this one, and one she terminated) and her family history / friends groups tends to have a lot of surprise babies.

Anyways. We were emailing about maternity clothes and appts/ultrasounds, and I told her I have an ultrasound on Friday or Saturday and I'm somewhat nervous, yadda yadda. She replied saying my thoughts affect my body and that if I'm thinking negative things, there could be a negative outcome. She literally said, "think happy healthy thoughts. The color green, flowers blooming, smiling children, full breaths, delicious food, etc."

Of course, I'm all like.... stfu. I know that she was trying to be kind and has no firsthand experience of the emotional landscape of miscarriage, but really, think happy thoughts? If that solved medical issues, then no one would be infertile or have miscarriages etc. Plus, she totally implied that I could cause a miscarriage to myself, just by thinking about one. That's just ridiculous, and totally unhelpful. I feel like I can't be honest with her about my thoughts or feelings. I believe you shouldn't feed your fears, but you shouldn't suppress them, either. Just name them, understand them, and work through them.

We had one blow-up conversation back in January when she suggested the same thing about my former miscarriage and struggles to conceive; saying that I should just chill out, "it's not like you're 45 or anything.... just make sweet love to your husband and eventually the child will find you." After that we didn't talk for about 4 months (we are long distance, though, so normally we only talk monthly.)

Anyway. I just had to share with some people I though would understand. Of course, if you have any suggestions for ongoing communication with this person, I'm all ears. Unfortunately I think I'm confined to only talking with her about happy things and guarding what I say to her..... not how it should be

@DesertDreams88: I'm sorry. People can say the most awful things when they haven't been through something themselves. I agree that we should have hope because it's what we deserve but that doesn't make it easy when you've seen the other side of things. My sister had two CPs when I was in my early 20s and I just know that I didn't say the right thing. I just thought she wanted to be pregnant. It's hard to understand the loss of a child that no one will meet but for whom you mourn. I had some friends/relatives who told me that at least I didn't end up with a special needs kid, or that I just needed to relax or it just wasnt meant to be. You wouldn't say that to a woman who lost a living child (not that its the same.) The loneliest time in my life was after my second loss.
Sorry for the rambles but, suffice to say, miscarriage and pregnancy after miscarriage is a complex and scary maze to be in...the comfort I have is in knowing I am not alone.

@DesertDreams88: hugs! She doesn't sound like she could comprehend where you are coming from, unfortunately. That is frustrating & it is too bad you will end up filtering what you discuss with her. I actually had some of DH's family who were upset with us for NOT sharing about our loss, saying we needed to have talked about it. Uhhh, thanks for telling me what I need... People do mean well, I believe, they just don't always get it right.

@Torchwood: Just a big ol' hug to you, mama. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now. So glad to hear baby girl is looking good, she really will be here soon, and it will be magic. I'm 15 weeks, and this whole pregnancy is just one big mind game... I wonder how I will feel when I make it to 23 weeks. I know I won't feel any peace about it until this one is here, in my arms. I'm thinking about you!!

@DesertDreams88: So sorry she said those things to you. While it's true that most people probably have good intentions with their comments, they just don't understand how hurtful words can be. I'm glad we can all come here to ladies who understand

@MaryM: Thinking of you today!

@Torchwood: I can't imagine the pain you feel but I'm so very glad that your little girl is doing well. Thinking of you also!

@MaryM: Oh I'm so happy! I've been thinking about your appointment all morning! Glad the SCH is shrinking and baby is looking good!

@marym: & @simplyfelicity: yeah, I heard the special needs / "healthy child" line a lot, since I was very open about my miscarriage. I know it would be very difficult to raise a child with special needs, but still, it's your child.... I'd rather have my miscarried special needs child rather than no child at all.

@GoGoSnoGirl: It still amazes me how some people feel the right to say how others should feel, how they should grieve, how long it should take, what it would look like, etc... not just for losses but truly everything.

@Torchwood: what a bittersweet time.... but hopefully more and more sweet as time progresses. Interesting about the anterior placenta with R.... cognitively recognizing things to be thankful for, in the midst of sorrow, has been one of the few things that helps me emotionally. So glad you are feeling tons of movement now and that you had a good ultrasound and connected with your former doctor!

@Jess1483: Hi, Everett! Oh, he is so beautiful! I am so so so happy for you!!!

@Jess1483: Congratulations! Hope you are doing well, mama

@Jess1483: Congratulations!!! I absolutely love his name!

@MaryM: Woohoo for double digits!!

How do you all feel about exercise in the first trimester? I know light/moderate exercise is recommended, with guideline of the max 140 heartbeat. But, due to fears and fatigue, I've been pretty sedentary, other than yoga 1-2 a week. Before pregnancy, yoga was 2-3 days a week, and I walked a TON (teacher.)

Yesterday at 10w3d my husband and I did some moderate hiking. It was in three 30-45 min increments, with 15-30 min resting-in-shade breaks, with shorter little 3 min breaks whenever I felt my heart pounding. The paths were pretty level, though there were some sections of stairs (which I rested after.) It was gosh darn hot... maybe 90-95, but not humid at all (I live in Phoenix.) I drank tons of water and ate some salty snacks. In the moment I was a bit worried but pretty sure I was following the guidelines, but of course I woke up this morning thinking I pushed it too far. I have an US on Monday so that might be heightening my fear.

So, how'd you deal with exercise in the 1st tri? No guilt if you did nothing!! Nausea and fatigue are definitely barriers!

@DesertDreams88: I was pretty active before starting infertility treatment and pregnancy and have been doing absolutely nothing recently! There were some exercise restrictions during IVF and then I had very heavy bleeding at 5 weeks so I was on bed rest and basically afraid to move. I'm now 12 weeks and still really nervous to resume my normal routine. I asked my doctor and she said I can and should exercise with modification or rest if I need it, but I'm still having trouble actually doing it. It sounds like your hike was perfectly fine and the anxiety is normal too (at least in my experience). Just wanted to let you know that I completely understand and good for you for getting some fresh air and exercise

@DesertDreams88: I think you were very careful & conscientious about your exertion & shouldn't worry. Staying as active as you can is a good thing for your pregnancy. I wasn't as active as I wanted to be, but did do a few reasonable hikes/walking while pregnant. I actually dropped off more toward the end (for no real good reason), but wished I'd stayed more consistent with my exercise.

@Crystal: Welcome!! I definitely kept a lot of milestones in mind to get me through the early days after my loss, and fortunately was able to feel more & more positive & excited as each week ticked by. Hoping for the same for you!

@Crystal: Thank you! I meant to post here, totally forgot.

I had a ton of milestones. First loss, second loss, end of first tri, anatomy scan, viability, end of second tri, and third loss (farthest I'd made it). I only passed that last one by 2 days! I'm actually really glad I hit it though. All of those were so good to pass, even the ones that were bittersweet.

Pictures because baby!

@Torchwood: She is so precious.

@simplyfelicity: Thanks! We think so too, though we're a little biased.

I missed the updates to this board, I'm not sure how!

@Crystal: Congratulations! I certainly have milestones, when I get to one I usually find another. It's helps the anxiety for me.

@Torchwood: Aww so absolutely adorable! Glad things are going well!