My mom passed away right before this child was conceived. At the time that she passed away many relatives knew that we wanted to have another child, and promised that they would fill in for her. Well, now that I'm pregnant I don't feel like I am getting the emotional support that I need. Honestly, I don't think that I am getting any emotional support. I am still grieving and coming to terms with everything on top of dealing with pregnancy hormones. I have a supportive husband, but I am missing the motherly love and support. I guess that I need to accept the fact that I will not get the support that they promised me. Do you have any advice?
eggplant / 11716 posts
@FancyGem: no specific advice, but I just want to say I'm so sorry. I lost my dad 13 years ago, and although that's almost a lifetime ago now, I still have moments where it hits me pretty hard. He never met my girls.
The first 5 years were the hardest. I have several friends now who have lost a parent, and it is so, so hard. I don't think any other relationship can replace the relationship you had with your mom, unfortunately. It's just always an empty spot you'll carry in your heart.
Hang in there.
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
Im so sorry.
What type of relationship do you have with these people that offered support? Is there a way you can casually reach out and say, "Hey, I'm kinda struggling with needing someone to talk to, can we catch up"
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
I'm so sorry you lost your mom.
pomelo / 5563 posts
I'm so sorry for your loss, this must be really hard for you.
Have you reached out to some of those people and asked for them? They may not know you're struggling but I bet would be happy to step up. I don't think you need to accept the fact that you're not going to get support but you may need to accept the fact that they're not going to see that you need it, and you'll have to ask for it.
honeydew / 7622 posts
I'm sorry for your loss. I can't say enough about how awesome therapy has been for me- I've been seeing my therapist for 3 years and I trust her and count on her like she is a member of my family.
kiwi / 702 posts
@FancyGem: hugs to you...im so sorry. I imagine there may be a grief support group in your area. Provably not something pregnancy related but I think that where I'd start if it's the loss of your mom you want specific support with. Otherwise I'd directly talk to family/friends and explain what you need even though you wish they'd just step up. Ugh so hard.
clementine / 769 posts
@T.H.O.U.: Thank you. I'm close to them, but they have always had this attitude that I have an easy life. It's hard for them to be receptive of my emotional needs without there being a fight or awkwardness.
@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: Thanks
@erinbaderin: I have "tested the water" so to say and mentioned some things in a broad way. It seems to make them uncomfortable. I don't think they expected me to actually get pregnant. I know that people say things when they are emotional, and it may be too much for them to handle.
@youboots: Thank you. I am looking for a postpartum doula. @Mrs. Pajamas: I haven't looked into that. thanks
pineapple / 12566 posts
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 10 years ago, so she never knew my DH or my 2 LOs. Maybe the people around you don't know how to fill in and be supportive. Maybe they are afraid of overstepping boundaries or are afraid of looking like they are replacing your mom (in some capacity). Is there anyone you feel particularly close to that you could reach out to? Depending on your relationship with them, give them a call or send a heartfelt message to connect. I think many people have good intentions but have a hard time knowing how to make that first step forward.
pomegranate / 3890 posts
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. i lost my mom when i was pregnant with my first son, five years ago. Emotionally i was a mess. I had family members who stated that they would help fill that void but in all honesty, they didn't. they didn't really try much at all and now its been over a year since i have been in contact with them. it hurts but i just try to rely on people (husband, brother and friends) who are there for us. Honestly though, even if they did try, no one can fill that void.
i'm sorry it is such a huge loss, my heart goes out to you if you ever want to talk feel free to pmm me
pomelo / 5298 posts
I can only partially relate. My MIL passed when I was about 6 months pregnant with our second child. My DH has turned to my mom for support and comfort he would have sought from his Mom. Fortunately my Mom and DH already had a good relationship before MIL passed. All that to say, even if it's not your side of the family providing you support, what about your in laws? Anyone there to turn to?
I'm sorry for your loss.
nectarine / 2208 posts
@FancyGem: I'm so sorry. I lost my mom 9 months before getting married and it was really really hard. I got really mad at my dad at one point because he never asked about how planning was going or offered to help and his response was that he didn't know about planning weddings and assumed my moms friends would be helping. Except I never reached out to them so they never knew I would have appreciated something.
The night before my wedding I kind of broke down with my bridesmaids feeling like I had to plan everything by myself which hurt my moh since she felt like she was doing her best. I do think no matter what anyone had done it wouldn't have been enough since no one could really replace my mom.
This November it will be 6 years since her death and it's still really hard.
grapefruit / 4988 posts
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom right after I got married, a couple years before I got pregnant. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and I remember wanting my mother so badly. When I got pregnant again and it became clear that my next pregnancy would be successful, my mom's sisters sort of acted like they might want to help out, but in the end they bought me gifts and visited at the hospital and that was basically it. Nobody even came close to supporting me in the way that my own mother could have, and I didn't really expect anyone to. Honestly, it was hard but since I didn't really have expectations, I'm sure that made it easier emotionally at least.
Support aside, I would try to just be gentle with yourself and recognize that grieving takes a long time but at some point, you will be happy again. My mom died 6 years ago now and I miss her all the time (and it was like a fresh wound each time I had a baby that she never got to meet). But on the flip side, when she died, I felt like I had a hole in my heart that would never heal and yet my kids have filled that hole so completely it is amazing.
cantaloupe / 6131 posts
I am really sorry you're going through this. I don't have any experience with this, as my parents are both living, but they were not and have not been emotionally supportive during our IF struggles, TTC, pregnancy, etc. Even as grandparents, while I know they love my children very much, they don't do hardly anything for them and mostly just criticize our parenting.
This is all to say, I think its important to assume responsibility for your own village and support system. It wont always come from your family, even if they are around, and it will help you feel more empowered to say you chose your support system. While its unfortunate that your family members made empty promises about providing support, as you will find when your child is born, becoming a parent really intensifies and sharpens any issues you had with family before having children, so its better to know NOW they aren't going to be helpful before your baby is born.
A lot of issues I had just let slide or ignored before I had kids became impossible to ignore and I had to restructure a LOT of my relationships and how I allowed myself to be treated once kids entered the picture. For instance, my parents are flaky, and while I can deal with it when it comes to me, and to a lesser extent to my husband, I wont let it negatively impact my kids. If your relatives think you have it easy and treat you poorly and aren't supportive for you now, you will be WAY more sensitive to those issues once your kids around around because it will extend to your children - oh those kids are spoiled, etc.
Whether its therapy, a mom's group, group therapy, a loss support group, being more proactive about reaching out to friends/neighbors/colleagues who are parents to young children and can understand, I think its best to move forward with the best fit for you. Release your family members from their promises, note that they aren't reliable, and find people who are. Hugs to you.
clementine / 769 posts
@lamariniere: @stargal: @MamaG: @Miss Ariel: @catlady: @gingerbebe: Thanks! I know that I will probably never get over my mom's passing. I will try harder to understand that people may have good intentions, and I shouldn't take it personal when they aren't dependable. My in laws help as much as they can, but they are limited in what they can do.
I think that my immediate family can benefit from grief counseling.