Hellobee Boards

I'll just say it - that was a total dick move by your DH. (Eta: it was also a dick move for your FIL to question your decision.) That said, I would have no problem telling my FIL that while I'm sorry that his feelings are hurt, I am not comfortable with my young toddler being away with anyone for that long.

For me and my DH, we definitely present a united front on family/parenting issues. Because the last thing either one of us wants is to fight a two-front battle (one at home and one with family/whatever).

@pwnstar: I totally agree - it was a complete jerk move by your DH to throw you to the wolves. I'd explain it to him that way. That you felt completely unsupported. I liken it to making it feel like you're the "bad" parent. Mom said no, so go ask dad b/c mom is the bad guy. I don't subscribe to that sort of parenting. If I say no, and LO goes to DH for the same thing, he asks if he asked me first and what I said. He is united with me regardless of if he thinks I'm right or wrong.

It's incredibly important to us to be united in our parenting to the outward facing world and if we disagree with something, we discuss it ourselves rather than outwardly argue about it to others.

I think there are two parts to this, one is if you want your child that far away from you and the other is if you trust your inlaws to care for your child without you there. I would approach it that way when dealing with inlaws or parents for that matter.

As for both parents being on the same page, it's important to me that it's always the case. Doesn't mean we have to agree on everything right out of the gate, but a little compromise often goes a long way.

Yikes, bad move. My DH kinda threw me under the bus once. It was more than the didn't know what to say as far as the reason why we had decided something (or really I guess I had voiced my strong opinions). In the end I think I made him follow up with his mom on our combined feelings and make sure it was clear to her that this was a decision we both made and both stood behind.

Total jerk move. He hung you out to dry! I wouldn't let anyone take my baby on a week long vacation without me!

Yeah, your husband threw you under the bus. Not cool. Also not cool for your FIL to bring it up like that at a MD brunch in public, which just makes for a much more uncomfortable situation than a private talk at home.

I think it's important for your husband (and your FIL) to understand that not allowing (or allowing) this trip has really *nothing* to do with whether you trust your inlaws or not. This isn't an issue of trust; the ask to take someone else's kid to DW for a week is a HUGE HUGE HUGE ask!!

I would tell your husband that what he did wasn't cool or fair, and then maybe agree to table the conversation for a bit. In another couple of months, maybe have a sit-down with your inlaws and let them know your joint decision - and make sure that DH understands that you are his partner, and a big part of that strong partnership is having the other's back!

We have left my daughter around age 2 for several nights with my parents but it was mostly due to work travel. But they live within driving distance and they were just staying home. I dont think I would trust them (or want to put them in a position to be responsible for) my daughter in big places like an airport or a theme park alone.

Eek, I'm sorry! He totally kinda threw you under the bus! I trust my parents 100%, but I don't think I would be comfortable having her away from me at a new place for a whole week. I feel like it doesn't really need explanation... I'm the mom and I just don't feel comfortable!

Can you spin it as you want to share this memorable experience with her?

@Miss Ariel: And why can't it be?!

@Miss Ariel: Part of becoming parents is getting to experience all the FUN stuff with our kids! We don't just do the hard parts and then let grandparents have all the fun. How is that fair?? You brought her into the world and are raising her. You get to decide who gets to participate in fun experiences like WDW!

My in-laws really wanted to take all their grandkids to WDW too. They wanted it to be a fun experience for them and the grandkids. I flat out said NOPE, not happening! Part of the reason I had kids was so that I could do those fun things with them! There's no way I'm letting someone steal that from me.

Ick. Not fair of your DH to do that. I would definitely have a talk with him about presenting a united parenting front. That is something that is really important to us too. We have had to work on it (sadly, probably more on my end than his) but are getting better.

In terms of the actual trip, I will just share that we brought my LO to Disneyworld for the first time at age 2.5 a couple weeks ago. She had a blast...but by day 3, she was already asking to go home. She was just totally overwhelmed. This was with us there with her, AND we kept her schedule (long nap in the hotel and early bedtime every single day), AND we didn't overdo it at the parks, AND we basically let her interests guide the whole trip. If she had gone without us, with older kids, and was probably overdoing it every day, it would have been melt-down city. So one argument I might give your ILs is, are they prepared to pull everyone down to a 2 year old's pace for the entire trip or else deal with the consequences? If not, she should probably stay home.

Totally unfair of DH to throw you under the bus.

With ILs, I'd probably just tell them it's not about trusting them, it's about her being able to handle that long time away from you.

If DH is stuck on her going, I'd insist he go with her or it doesn't happen. He'll have to decide whether his hatred of Disney or his desire for his daughter to go is more important.

I trust my parents 1000% with DS, he regularly spends the night with them, AND he's 3.5, but there is no way I'd let them take him anywhere for an entire week without one of us. Just not happening.

@Miss Ariel: I'm also not sure if they truly understand what they're signing up for either! At this age, they don't remember how much fun they've had, but they will remember (ok well prob not but still) if they were missing mommy/daddy and crying for them at night!

Yea, dick move on your DH'S part. It's nor about fighting your own fight, but not showing division because that can be used as leverage against you.

You're kids will recognize it and may use that rift to play one of you against each other. Similarly, a united front gives your family unit more respect.

In a case like that, I would say "Actually, we make decisions together. So this is something we will discuss later in more detail."

@Miss Ariel: we had a situation like that where my IL wanted BIL to fly my 2 year old overseas and then her visit them for a week then fly back with my IL. My DH said that could work but we'll have to talk about it. So it was pretty clear who it was that was against the plan. Honestly both our parents, while lovely and generous in a lot of ways, attempt to be very controlling and act hurt when they don't get their way. For the first couple years I tried to spare feelings or side step around issues. I just don't have the patience for it anymore so I answer pretty directly. its made both relationships change but it had to happen. My main concern would be talking to DH about why you're not on board. As far as the IL go you just have to kinda say that's very generous but no thanks and just be a bit unfortunately hardened to the emotional response or attempts at changing your mind

Yeah that was unfair. If the decision was still undecided then he just should've said you were still thinking about it. There will be plenty of other situations like these and it needs to be a joint choice. ETA: i would personally not let the grandparents take LO on a Disney trip without us. That's a big and special trip and those things I think should be done as a family. It's not like they are taking your kid to the zoo for the day.

Grrr that's so awkward of your DH to do that to you. I would not be happy. When it comes to ILs, I am always trying to make sure I don't look like a jerk or my DH doesn't look like a jerk. We definitely disagree on parenting but we try to do it behind closed doors.

Also, I totally get your concern about a week away. It's just too long at that age. It would be one thing if you and DH went away (meaning, she was at your house with his parents - in her usual surroundings) but to be in a hotel and sleeping in a different place, etc. that just seems like a lot!

@looch: haha, true! It could always turn out terrible! But if there's even a chance it's going to be awesome, it's going to be awesome with me there!

I would be furious. His response that "he shouldn't have to fight my fights" would piss me off even further. You're married. You're a TEAM. Your fights are his fights.