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When does pre-K start in your area? Is it possible to wait until LO 1 is in Pre-k or K before having number 2?

Or can you save enough $$ over the next 1-2 years to pay for childcare for 2 kids for a year until LO 1 is in K?

I think the perceived advantages or disadvantages really depend on you and your husband. But if you *do* want two, and the reasons are purely financial, there might be ways to save the money to have the second.

We live in an area with really expensive child care and I guess I'll start taking both LOs to a daycare out near where I work--which is an hour from home. I don't *want* to do that, since it means I will have to do drop off/pick up alone and will have to leave EVEN earlier in the morning (I already leave at 6:45 am), but I'm assuming it will be worth it since we want really want 2.

It's definitely hard though, and I already dread making a long commute with two babies, even though I'm not even there yet.

@Smurfette: gotcha. I'm kind of in a similar boat. I'm 34 today, DH is already 34 and we don't want too long to have a second. I think we probably just won't be able to save much until LO 1 can be in preschool at age 3. We'd have to pay for before and aftercare, but our daycare is almost $2000/month so it should still be cheaper than $4000/month for two full timers.

It's definitely hard! I see people at our daycare who have two kids there and even one mom who has 3 and I can't imagine paying $6000 a month in daycare, but I just assume both spouses make a ton of money and can afford it?

Kind of depressing.

@Smurfette: Is that the going rate for daycares in your area? I know the one R goes to is pretty nice. Is there a less expensive option you would consider if you did decide to have another one? I know better than to suggest you become a SAHM!! Hopefully your DH will get a nice big raise/bonus in Oct! DH and I are confident in our decision to be done after many talks, but like I said, finances isn't the biggest reason. I think I'd have a hard time coming to terms with it if I truly was longing for another child. You can wall me/text me anytime to talk/vent about it!

@Smurfette: Or what kind of space do you have at home? Would you ever consider an au pair? One of my best girl friends first came to the U.S. as an au pair for two kiddos in Ohio.

@mamimami: I am an only as well and it was wonderful! Granted, I really do wish that I had a sibling relationship, but I don't feel like I necessarily missed out. I had lots of opportunities and experiences that I wouldn't have had if I weren't an only child.

I am interested in this conversation too. Thanks for asking the question.

We are 99% sure we're one and done. Here are some of our reasons:

-Having a baby was really difficult for us and, while the baby phase is very much temporary, we're just not sure how well our marriage would fare (in terms of marital happiness, not sustainability) if we added the stress of another child to the mix

-My mental health

-We have a lot of goals for our life that are important to us and that will be much easier to achieve with only one child. I think it's important for us, as parents, to model self-actualization and for our children to see us not just as parents but also as happy, healthy individuals.

-We love to travel and want to expose K to a lot of travel as well. This is much more easily achieved with just one child.

-While we could technically afford two children, we're not really interested in stretching our finances to that point.

-We feel complete with K and aren't longing for another child.

I would say that last point is the biggest one for us and none of the other reasons would matter if, in our hearts, we were longing for another child. You've always said you've wanted two, so if that's what's in your heart then maybe you can find a way to make it work? If we were going to have a second, we would wait until K was in JK so we wouldn't have two in daycare - is something like that a possibility for you?

@Smurfette: "I hate that the reason we might have 1 is day care."

Yep. I hear you there. I also think about the future, though. Right now we pay for daycare each month. As the kids get older, there are other expenses. Activities, after and/or before school care (elementary here starts at 9am and ends at 3:30pm), summer camps for the months they aren't at school, clothing gets more expensive, toys get more expensive, every day things become more expensive. Oh and then there's the old college bomb.... yeah.

So, in the end, I really don't think we'll be saving *that* much after daycare is done.

I hate knowing M will be an only and I know my husband does, too. I just can't imagine another 18 months of hell like we had with M. She wasn't the problem, daycare was. At least one of us was sick from the week after she started daycare until just just after Thanksgiving.

I have a lot of emotional thoughts about this and selfishly really love being able to give M all of our attention.

@mediagirl: D is so much cheaper now he's in public school. Maybe in a few years that will change, but right now it's a relief!

What @lawbee11 and @mamimami said! I can only speak as an only child and not a mama, but I had a wonderful childhood as an only child... the undivided attention, love and other advantages, like financial (my parents were able to pay for my post-secondary education) and opportunities for experiences (we were able to travel later on, when I was a teenager) far outweighed any perceived disadvantages, like the occasional loneliness and longing for a bond with a sibling.

Unfortunately, if you choose to have one LO, you'll face tons of questions from extended family members, friends, colleagues, even strangers, etc. about why you "only" have one child, even if it is none of their business and a very personal question. I wouldn't say this is a "disadvantage" for you or your family in that it shouldn't influence your decision at all, but it will happen and can be annoying and sometimes hurtful. I was always asked why my mom only had me, and even now, I have friends who have chosen to have one child but struggle with guilt after others question their choices (for example, a mother-in-law who constantly expresses her wishes for another grandchild).

In the end, you have to do what is best and feels right for your family... if you feel your family wouldn't be complete without another LO, I hope you're able to find a way to make the finances work.

I keep telling my husband that if we don't hurry up and get working on number 2 it's going to be harder and harder for me to psych myself up for re-entering the newborn phase!! Plus, I would love to only have the financial burden of one kid. We can afford to send two to day care and save for their college, etc... but we would definitely be able to offer M more extracurricular activities like a trip to Europe or something like that if she was the only one. But it's important to me to give her a sibling. I have many examples in my life of people who would be in rough shape without their siblings. My dad's parents died young and his sister never married or had children, so if my dad (the second child) hadn't been born, my aunt would have been without any family for much of her life. She spends all major holidays with us and I would hate to think of her being alone. And on my mom's side my grandmother has been battling Parkinson's Disease and Dementia for years. I don't know how my mom would have made it through all of that without her sisters to help and to understand. If we couldn't afford another, then I wouldn't have one just for the sake of giving M a sibling, but since we can afford it, and I know that my husband and I will love having another one, we're going for it.... but I can totally understand your hesitations because they cross my mind too!

From another point of view -- LO is 16 mo and I very much want to have another child. DH is on the fence. We need to decide in the next three months or so; I'm 38 and we agreed that if we do have another, I need to hopefully be pregnant by fall. The financial aspect is frightening. I WOHM too and day care would be a huge expense for the next few years (though only $1830, not $2800 - holy sh#@!). However, I know that we can do it, even if it means significantly tightening our belts. DH is more worried about the work of two, which I agree is significant when they're little. However, we went to visit my sister, who has three ages 4-10, over the weekend and it was great to see what later years could be like. The kids didn't always get along of course, but it's not going to be constant monitoring all the time forever. And the kids really enjoyed one another, which was great to see.

We also have an added wrinkle that we don't live close to our families. DH's is a four hour drive, mine is a three hour drive OR a 1300 mi flight. DH and I both grew up with extended family in our lives almost every day, and LO won't have that. A sibling is more important to me for this reason as well.

I don't think that having an only child destines that child for loneliness and misery (there are bees here to prove it!), but I grew up close to my brother and even now know that I could call him for anything. I hope I can set LO up for that. I know I can't guarantee it, but my heart is telling me that my family isn't complete yet. I just have to wait and see if DH agrees. Sigh. But if we end up only having one, all of these advantages listed by everyone will be fully realized!

@mediagirl: I really try not to let stories like that and the "what ifs" impact my decisions. I'm sure there are plenty of stories where two parents and a sibling were in a car crash then one sibling was left alone, you know? You just have to do what's right for your family and try not to let that kinda stuff get to you (though I know it's really hard!).

@lawbee11: oh believe me, I KNOW! Haha. I get that all the time from my husband. We like to go back and forth with these types of things with each other, though and poke the bear, if you will. You know, if we only have one, THIS COULD HAPPEN ( worst case scenario thing ).

@Smurfette: That's when we are aiming to make a decision by too since I turn 37 that month. I know DH wants another one. I don't know how we'd afford it either.

@MsLipGloss: Oh i get that.. but it's not what "someone else has concluded is ideal" - it IS the reality of what I have loved and enjoyed my entire life. I have an extremely close relationship with both of my brothers (and now both of my SILs), and those relationships have in part made me who I am today. And getting to enjoy the time we spend together as a family of 8 is not pie-in-the-sky, it's my reality. I think it's fair to try and repeat the qualities of your childhood and life that were fantastic for your own kids, no?

I am painfully aware that it may not turn out that way - my DH is completely 100% estranged from one sister (based on a boatload of drama that was caused by our wedding, so I personally endured the fallout) and lost a brother when he was 18. He's close with his remaining brother but I am very aware that more kids does not equal idyllic life. It's just another point ot consider. The family dynamic I'd like to have in 20 years isn't even *possible* if we only have one.

ETA: I'm not trying to 'make a case' for more than one. We are, like you, struggling with the decision. But the OP asked for both advantages and disadvantages, so I'm just voicing one of my own arguments in support of the other side.

@JoJoGirl: What I really can't understand is how a family dynamic in 20 years with just one child would be any less wonderful . . . maybe that's the point I am trying to make . . . that your (you, generally, not *you*) family dynamic is what you make of it, and isn't a direct result of the number of children you have--or don't have.

I don't want to seem like I am trying to discourage anyone from wanting a larger family . . . quite the contrary! It just grates on my nerves to read the whole *in 20 years* s(ch)piel because it is so limiting in that it excludes other possibilities that could make a couple/family equally happy and *full* . . . because it reinforces the idea that bigger is better, and that most certainly is not always the case.

ETA: I understand your intentions . . . and that this is a such difficult decision!