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@LovelyPlum: learning tower is great idea!
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@LBee: it's hard! My daughter doesn't nap great at daycare, only 2 hours. So, once I get her home it's a rush to get her feed, bathed and to bed. I hate we don't get quality time. BUT, she is leaning great stuff at daycare and I was a crappy SAHM so I know she is learning way more than I could have taught her. My son is 3.5 so it's easier since he stays up later and we get quality time in after dinner. I try to make the most of the weekends to make up for the fact that QT is limited during the week.
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@BandDmommy: two hour nap at day care is a great nap!
I with everyone else, you just have to find your new groove. Out source what you can. Maybe start eating dinner after she goes to bed, reheat last night's dinner for her, so then you have more time to spend with her, verses cooking. Hugs! You will get there. It just takes time.
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For me, it took 5 months (until she was 8 months old), but that was when we sleep trained. Once I was well-rested, everything was brighter. An even bigger turning point was when she turned one and I could stop pumping and dealing with constantly washing pump parts and preparing bottles during the evenings.
Hang in there--I swear it gets better! I love being a WOHM now, even though we are ALWAYS busy and our weekends are full of chores. I really appreciate my time with LO.
ETA: Some tips: Find a meal plan that works. If you shop on Sunday (make it a fun activity out with LO), make sure you have at least a meat and two easy sides for each night so you're not rushing. It's easier for us to put LO to bed then cook, so she gets our re-heated leftovers the next evening. That will save you time and stress. Tag team major cleaning with your husband one night a week--we can't afford outside help besides daycare, so we do Friday (fun, I know) so we can relax a bit more during the rest of the weekend. Don't stress TOO much if LO doesn't nap, that just means an early night's sleep (which is sad when you miss your LO, but necessary). You'll figure out ways to make it work, I promise!
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I didn't get to stay home for that long. I stayed home for 12 weeks. And it sucked for a very long time. It sucked for about 2.5 years until LO started making friends and wanting to see them at school. It still sucks that we have no time together at night. I get home at 5:25 and LO goes to bed at 7:30.
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@Mae: Lots of good advice already! You do find a groove eventually. Here are some things that help our household run with minimal chaos:
- Easy weekday breakfast for everyone - cereal, frozen waffles, fresh fruit, Nutrigrain bars, yogurt, smoothies... Nothing that requires the stove.
- We got a chest freezer so any time I have free time to cook, I stock it up with soups, taco meat, spaghetti sauce, etc. for easy healthy dinners
- Hiring a cleaning lady to come every other week.
- Running errands during lunch if you work near a shopping area. 100 times easier without a kiddo!
- Online shopping for as much as humanly possible - this is probably the biggest time saver for me, honestly. -
So I don't think the actual grind (rushing to work, rushing to get home, and then trying to fit everything you need to into a very small window of time) gets better because those will always be the parameters you're working with. But you get used to it, it becomes the new normal and it doesn't feel like the sky is falling all the time and you're ruining your family's life. It also sucks that the few precious hours you get to spend with your kid during the workweek is the exact time that they are at their fussiest/craziest. My daughter gets plenty of sleep during the day but when I get home from work she still is either running around the house like a mad woman, begging to be held or throwing herself on the ground because I won't let her have raisins for dinner. But there are also wonderful moments that you wouldn't have if you stayed at home - she'll make little friends, be so proud to show you art projects she's made and will scream and jump up and down like you're a rock star when she sees you at the end of the day. That's kind of awesome.
Honestly, it seems like a huge part of your misery is that you hate her childcare situation. I think you need to figure out whether the center is a bad fit or whether you're just losing it because you're not the one there (which is fine, I was there once too). If it's the former, keep exploring other options or working with the center to make the experience what you need it to be. If it's the latter, it honestly just takes time to "let go" of not being in control. It took me a few months at least and I honestly didn't feel completely ok with it until LO was around 1 and I had been back to work for nearly 6 months.
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@My Only Sunshine: The shopping online is a good one! I SAH but it would be near impossible for me to keep up with our household necessities if I was going to brick and mortar stores with LO. So I can't imagine doing it if I was WOH. (Esp since I live in a city where we mostly walk). I order everything: bar soap, paper towels, diapers, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, LO's snacks, any non perishable grocery items like coffee, etc. We pretty much have constant deliveries from Amazon and Diapers.com. I don't think there's much of a premium and it is so much easier to just unpack the boxes after he's in bed. And on Amazon you can set stuff to automatically ship every month, 2 months, 3 months, etc.
Also, little time savers like using paper plates can help. And this sounds silly but if you do lots of crock pot meals, I got crock pot liners so that when I'm done it just needs a light wash and done. No soaking or scrubbing. Not saying this will be life changing but I think lots of small short cuts can add up to be life changing! As little time as I can spend cleaning up makes my life infinitely better. I feel like I'm constantly cleaning.
I'm not WOH but I do find this thread very interesting because I think there are lots of good general time/sanity savers!
Also, WOH moms are my heroes. I did it and couldn't hack it. Whether it's by choice or necessity, it's not easy and I'm in awe.
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There was another thread just a week or so back where another HBer posted asking what it was like to be a WOHM (and was it really that hard) and I felt like I was the only to say that in a lot of ways, it's sucks. And everyone else was all "Me time! Adult conversation!" etc, and my experience is not like that at all--but I figured it was because I work with kids. Plus of course, it's each person's own disposition. I feel great when I'm home with my kids--I wouldn't want to do it the rest of my life, but I'd feel great about doing it a year or two.
But for me, my experience is very much like what you described...what keeps me going is that I have holidays and two months off each summer to spend with my babies.
There are so many other extenuating circumstances in these scensarios, though. Your own experience is unique and not like anyone else's. I think if I had a house cleaner, and if my husband got home earlier, and if my commute weren't so long, and if we had some kind of family nearbv for emergencies, I would find working so much easier. But we don't have any of those things....so....I deal, but it isn't easy and I don't necessarily think it's what's best for my kiddos (on that subject, I'm torn).
I just want to say...It IS hard--there's no doubt about it. You kind of have to think about the long game. Eventually, your LO is not going to need you as much, and you are going to need a career, and a retirement, and a life outside of your LO, and I think the longer you go out of the work force, the harder it is to get back in. So there's so much to consider outside how hard it is right now.
Otherwise, the other bees have some great tips. One small thing that was a gamechanger for me was packing LOs daycare bag/lunch/snacks while I prepared and fed her dinner. Before, I would wait till she was in bed and then it was this nightly task that just ruined my night every night. So I changed the routine: as soon as I got home, I cleaned her daycare bento thermos. As I made her dinner, I split it in halves and put half into her bento for the next day's lunch. As I filled her water straw cup for dinner, I filled a second for daycare. As she ate her dinner, I packed her snacks and talked to her.
That way, by the time she was finished with dinner each night, all my work for the night was done, and I got the rest of the evening to relax. It really helped me out!
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Damnit, HB ate my response.
In short: NO, my master bedroom/bath and DH's office (i.e. anything that is strictly our domain) is DISGUSTING!! (Hence we need a cleaning lady!) Also, I wear the same 5 outfits every week, stopped wearing makeup, and haven't worked out in ...?
Yes to taking help where you can - disposable crap, Amazon, Costco, keeping a drop freezer and fridge to hoard food, hiring help. Our family would make an environmentalist cringe, I'm sure.
Part of why I do everything at night is because once I stop moving for the evening, I'm literally not moving again. Its like a rule of physics in our house - a gingerbebe in motion, stays in motion. A gingerbebe at rest, stays at rest. I become a COMPLETE immovable sloth once I'm in bed with my laptop and snacks. So if DS is in bed by 730, I aim to have all our crap done by 830-9pm and then I'm off the clock.
Also, I am NOT a morning person and my DH is forgetful about minutiae, so getting everything done at night is essential to our house not imploding in the morning. Everyone showers at night, I deal with weird cowlicks, and we just go on autopilot in the morning. I never think about needing gas, my husband never thinks about whether he remembered everything in the daycare bags, and we live to fight another day.
Also, I may be coping better right now because I know I will go back to my 3 day schedule eventually. We have about 5 busy months a year and the rest of the time its normal/slow, so there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. I purposely went for the 3 day a week schedule because with DH's work schedule I couldn't mentally deal with doing that 5-day a week grind 24/7. So to you full-time moms out there, YOU'RE my hero! For real.
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So my experience is different than yours because I didn't have an extended maternity leave. I was just a mess when I first when back to work. DS wasn't sleeping at night, I couldn't concentrate on my job, and with a young baby there were always things like ped appointments and daycare phone calls taking away my focus.
DS never slept all that well at daycare when he was an infant, but he did get a lot better when he switched to a toddler room with a set group nap time. Do they do that in your daughter's room?
Now, at 2 years old, things are fairly easy (knock wood) and the most difficult thing is that I'm pregnant and exhausted some nights. Mornings always take longer than I expect, but I get through them solo. And DH is there in the evening and more than pulls his weight. We do shopping and errands on the weekend. I can't really put my finger on when it got better, but I definitely don't feel as crazed as I did in the early days.
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I went back to work when LO was about 5 months. The last month before my maternity leave ended, I was so anxious about how I would manage. It took a few months, but we're in a routine now, and it helps SO much that my DH is on board. Here is what we do:
I make meals as simple and easy as possible. I'll meal plan during the weekend/end of the previous week, and shop, prepare during the weekend. I try to do a slow cooker meal that lasts at least 2 meals. We'll do sandwiches for dinner with salad sometimes. We also often do rice + meat + veggie for dinner. Meats are marinated/cooked during the weekend, and rice is made the morning of, while I give LO her milk and breakfast. If I'm in a food rut, or just didn't have the time and energy for meal planning, we'll do a meal delivery service that week.
We all eat dinner at the same time. Like @gingerbebe: I have food for LO in the fridge all the time that I can give her in about 5 mins. I steam veggies for her during the weekend/evenings, I always have chicken, ground beef, fish sticks, dumplings, that can be heated up quickly. We eat our dinner pretty quickly (20-30 mins). After dinner, DH takes her upstairs to get ready for bed. They play for a few mins. while I do a quick clean up of the kitchen (put dishes in the sink, wipe up excessive mess). DH bathes LO while I take a shower. When I get out, LO is getting into her PJs, and its DH's to wash up, and I sit with LO while she has her milk, and I read to her and put her to bed.
After she is in bed, we both go down and prepare for the next day. DH is on dish duty while I pack LOs food. We try to get everything done by 8:30-9, and call it a day.
We have a cleaning person that comes every 3 weeks to do the main cleaning. I spot clean and pick up after LO the other days.
I do about 1 load of laundry per week. Sometimes its 2, but I try to only do 1 full load a week. I throw in a load friday night after LO has had her bath, and while she's drinking her cup of milk. We often use the "quick cycle" which takes 30 mins to wash (instead of 45 mins-1 hr). Laundry folding is on Saturday, after breakfast, when LO is running around her room, pulling all her toys out and entertaining herself.
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Well, this is fairly depressing. I go back to work in 2 weeks ...
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I am sorry that you are having such a rough time. It's hard when you don't want to work, but have to.
My personal experience is a little different as I did not want to stay at home and my leave was about 4 months. Despite not wanting to stay at home, I had a very difficult transition back to work and being able to manage stresses and time - trying to get everything done. It has caused me quite a bit of anxiety.
With daycare, one of the biggest factors that I feel ok with being a wohm is that DS LOVES daycare. He has so much fun with other kids every single day. That is something I cannot provide for him. I do think I appreciate our time overall more though too.
I sincerely don't know if you will adjust. It can take time to adjust to the new lifestyle, but I also think there are moms whose hearts aren't in it and never adjust.
I hope that things get better for you
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I just wanted to commiserate since I thought I had the whole working mother thing down until I had the 2nd child. Now everything is chaos again. I was telling someone recently when they asked how things are going that all I think about is food. All day long. And not in a "I want to eat everything" kind of way but more of a "what the hell are we going to eat for dinner" sort of way? I found that my 3yo really needs us to eat as a family so I run around like crazy trying to get everything ready. I don't really get to ever enjoy a meal during the week as I'm simultaneously tending to a preschooler that ONLY WANTS MAMA and an infant who also wants mama. I got the boobs, I get it. I'm trying to batch cook and meal plan but I have about 10-15 minutes from the time we get home to when dinner needs to be on the table. And that includes keeping a 3 yo and 7 mo old in the process. I try to have things that can just be reheated but it's not always feasible. And honestly, I feel like take out takes longer unless I can plan ahead and order a pizza as I"m not one to go through a drive through. I do all drop offs and pick ups and dealing with 3 yo in the morning just plain suuuuucks.
I follow a lot of the advice the others have given but it's still tough. DH tries to help where he can but in the end, it mainly falls to me. You just sort of get through it and try to find some time to do whatever it is that makes you happy.
Solidarity mamas!
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I just wanted to add that, for me, the suckiness has come and gone in waves. When I first went back to work, I loved it and couldn't understand why people found it hard. Then the novelty wore off and I struggled with the daily grind. It has been up and down ever since. Sometimes, I've got it all down and then other times I'm rock bottom. Neither phase last forever and I guess that's something to cling to.
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@LBee: Oh man I would loooove to pack LO the same lunch every day but she thrives on variety. She won't eat the same thing two days in a row. And is entirely unconcerned about just not eating. So I have to be pretty creative. It's annoying.
@LovelyPlum: Nap situation sucks. Cots instead of cribs. Music instead of white noise. Lights turned off but nothing over the windows. And ya know, like a thousand kids in the school probably making noise. Nothing I can really do to fix these things. She won't stand in her learning tower (or anywhere) pretty much at all because she wants me to be holding her. And she doesn't like TV.
I gave up tonight and fed her dinner while wearing her in a sling and pacing with her and she actually ate so... win? sort of. But she still sobbed while I made her grilled cheese sandwich bc she wanted it NOW. And like, gotta cook and cool it first kiddo! @smurfette: making dinner after bed then reheating for her the next day is a good idea. although the idea of adding another half an hour of chores (cooking) to my post-bed routine is daunting bc I'm already not done with bedtime/washing/diapers folding/lunch packing until 8:30. But... maybe.
@my only sunshine: I need to find time to cook on weekends so we can just reheat during the week for sure. As for lunch... I don't take a lunch so no errands then! And yes, online shopping is my bff.
@anagram: I'm sorry it is hard for you too! I'm lucky my parents are here and they do help, especially days I have to work late and stuff. I don't know how I'd do working with kids! (actually I do, I'd suck at it. Loooooooove my own kid. Other people's kids? not so much lol). I do get the "pros" of working. It isn't relaxed for me because I'm on billable hours so I basically take no breaks, nor do I take lunch, so that I'm able to leave a little earlier to get home (and even so I'm in the office 9+ hours). But I do get lots of adult conversation and I get to pee alone and eat (while working) any time I want. I actually don't mind my job at all. I just wish our home life wasn't such a mess. And yes-- fabulous idea about doing tomorrow's lunch while making tonight's dinner--- totally tried that last week but it kept backfiring because she saw me making both (since I had to be holding her) and then she'd cry because she wanted EVERYTHIGN she saw. Soooo now I have to wait until post-bed.
@shootingstar: yes they all sleep at the same time, luckily.
@eko: I appreciate the honesty. I really think that I will adjust if she does. I'm sort of a baseline happy person (usually) and I tend to adjust to things easily. I like my job fine and I think if I thought LO was happy at daycare and if she was happy when she came home from daycare I'd get used to the craziness otherwise. But until then....
@MUI831: wow that sounds so hard! And is a lot of the reason I'm scared of having a second kid! My LO is such a mama's girl and I don't think she'd do well with less attention. I'm sure you will get through and when your LOs are older it will be amazing to have them both-- but right now it sounds so hard for you!
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@Mae: it will get easier! Can your DH help with laundry packing while you cook? Or once she gets over the hold me phase pack stuff while she eats.
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@Smurfette: Hopefully at some point he can help more. Unfortunately the timing of the world is weird and my husband got a promotion to start at the same time I started my job. And he's working crazy hours right now so he just isn't around much.
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@Mae: thinking outside of the box here: you said your parents live close by. Do they work? Any chance one of them is done early and could go get LO? Then maybe she wouldn't be such a mess at the end of the day.
ETA: re: the nap thing-what are they saying about it? How do they try to soothe her? Rocking? Back rubbing? Is there any way you could ask for window coverings? If it's really bright in there, do the other kids sleep well? The toddlers in G's school sleep on cots together, too. I was worried, but apparently that isn't usually an issue after a few weeks. It sounds like the light might be a bigger problem.
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@Mae: I would also consider myself a happy person and my adjustment was very hard as well. I remember saying to myself that if DS didn't like daycare I would sah. I completely feel you. I think you will get in your groove. I am about 4 months deep back in and slowly starting to get the hang of things. You will figure it out, takes some trial and error to figure what works. You're doing good mama!
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Just started this week and naps aren't happening. My super happy smiley girl cried all afternoon because she's so tired. So so hard. Sending lots of hugs
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@LovelyPlum: my parents are retired. They do pick her up early 3 days/week but it is after nap time bc we have been trying to give her consistency to get used to daycare and start napping there. But tomorrow they are picking her up at noon so she can nap at home bc we are desperate.
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I guess I'm one of those weirdos who finds staying at home harder. I feel like you have a daily grind regardless, and my brain goes numb with trying to entertain DS. I don't mind the routine of working. I went back at 5 months and it took a few weeks to get into a rhythm but I definitely prefer it. My routine looked like (now it will be different with 2 but this is what it was): get up, get ready and get DS dressed, (DH takes him), go to work, pick up LO, come home and play for a little, make dinner while DS watches tv or plays with DH when he gets home, eat dinner together, DH cleans up and I hang with LO, DH does bath while I get lunch ready for tomorrow, we both do books and bed time together. Then we go to bed. ( I only hate that LO goes to sleep so late so we get no down time, but that is a separate issue) But to be fair, I don't work Fridays so I do all chores then, pretty much. And we have a cleaning lady that comes 2x a month. I'm sorry it is sucking for you. Hopefully you can get in a groove that works for you. (And my LO now naps much much better at school than at home!)
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I went back to work full time with DD at 1.5 years. I never got used to it. DD thrived at daycare but would be difficult at home. Now I'm
On mat leave again and I have the house and family running like a top. I'm just better when I'm at home. BUT likely I will have to return to work again in roughly a year and that's reality. Some things that helped me.
Hire a cleaner - once or twice a month is really less than most cable bills (in our area). Get them to do bathrooms and floors and just keep the place from caving in on your end.
Don't be afraid to move your child to a daycare that better suits you. I moved DD about 5 times before we stayed at a learning based centre in the inner city, it just was the best fit for our daughter's needs. One or two of the daycares I pulled her after a day or two. I just knew it wasn't working. It was exhausting but worth it.
Ask for what you need! From your spouse, friends, in laws. Mom, and workplace! If that's a couple of nights where your mother in law drops off spaghetti... Then ask for that.
Prep! Have ready made proteins like chicken, ham, meat balls... For fast pasta salads, fried rice, sandwiches... Plan your meals for the week and be ready to go. You'll thank yourself.
I could say so much more, find a tiny minute for yourself once and a while, pack yummy lunches you can look forward to at work, etc, etc. But you'll find your groove.
Love and solidarity. -
I went back to work after 12 weeks. It sucks more for me than for her I think. Our schedules are okay; we got it worked out so that no one's rushing around, etc. Pumping at work was annoying. I think once I weaned around 9 months, that was a big weight off my shoulder. But work was the first reason I had to wean early!
@Cherrybee: Totally agree that it comes in waves! For example, DD has been sick all winter and it just sucks b/c when she can't go to daycare we're constantly trying to figure out who can stay home, etc.
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