Pregnancy After IF Support Group #2

Amorini

persimmon / 1132 posts

Feb 3, 2016

Okay, I will begin. I'm 5w4d and cried big alligator tears this morning to my dear acupuncturist who has held my hand and helped me so much through IVF. It had been a week since my last beta (18dp5dt = 1474) and I was awaiting my third beta ... and I have been so dead certain that it was over. Nearly all of my symptoms had disappeared since the last beta. Anyway, it came back as categorically not over. 25dp5dt = 12,279. :happy:

When will this incessant dread and worry die down a bit?? I have an u/s on 2/15... so an entire week and half before I get more assurance. I will join a due date board before then but would love a little camaraderie with ladies who know what I am going through. It's not really cool to talk about it in any detail on other IF boards while others are going through the more harrowing and gut-wrenching parts of the process, so I hope it's okay to talk about it here.

:heart:

ms.line

pear / 1770 posts

Feb 4, 2016

Just wanted to add that I didn't even have to deal with the incredible stress of IVF, but I was still a disaster in my early pregnancy. I spent a whole lot of my first trimester just crying and wishing away the time. I was obsessed with Spacefem's odds of miscarriage chart, and I managed to breath a tiny sigh of relief when I finally "graduated" from it at 13 weeks. I also listened to this really corny "first trimester affirmations" mp3 during my daily commute, but it did help my anxiety a bit. I was still nervous approaching my anatomy scan, but when that was all clear we finally felt comfortable sharing the news with our extended friends (we told close friends and family after the NT scan). After I was able to start feeling the baby move (a few weeks after my anatomy scan), I started to feel a LOT better. It's not easy, but try to take it one day at a time and find some reassurance in your AWESOME betas! You're growing at least one strong little dude in there! Sending you lots of good energy. :goodluck: :heart:

Amorini

persimmon / 1132 posts

Feb 4, 2016

@ms.line: Maybe the title of the post should be "Pregnant Over-worriers Support Group"... it seriously is no fun to over-worry alone. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing what your first few month were like and when you started to chill out a little. Do you think your anxieties related to the MFI diagnosis and "against the odds" pregnancy or do you think it's just in your nature to worry? So as of today, I just fell below the 10% odds of miscarrying on the Spacefem chart. And by my 2/15 u/s I will be at 3%... Okay, starting to breath a little deeper. Is the corny mp3 something free to download? Whatever helps! Thanks again for the reassurances! So exciting that February is already here!!!!!! :heart: :heart: :heart:

ms.line

pear / 1770 posts

Feb 4, 2016

@Amorini: Haha, agreed, my anxiety loves company. :happy: I am a worrier by nature, but being sub-fertile made my pregnancy anxiety 100x worse. When we got pregnant on our own after my husband's MFI diagnosis, the whole situation felt impossible - I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Obviously miscarriage can be devastating for anyone, but knowing how much time or money (or both!) it would take us to get pregnant again just made the stakes that much higher. Also I think spending time in the world of IF really destroys your innocence - you hear so many tragic stories that I think the idea of carrying a healthy pregnancy to term starts to seem like the exception, rather than the rule. I'm glad you found the Spacefem chart reassuring (I didn't want to link it in case it was triggering...)! This was the mp3 I listened to: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/affirmations-for-pregnancy/id511906326 I'll privately wall you my email address and if you want to email me there, I'll send you the files later!

Caly

nectarine / 2765 posts

Feb 4, 2016

First of all, congratulations! Also, your betas are great! I'm an occasional lurker on the IVF boards and was excited to see your news. :happy: Pregnancy after IF definitely sucks a lot of the joy out of what should be a very exciting time. I always thought that after I got a positive it would be smooth sailing...however, it definitely wasn't, especially since I had a previous mc. Honestly, the worry and anxiety for me lasted the ENTIRE pregnancy, I was always waiting for bad news...I mean, I was lucky enough to finally be pregnant after so many years, how could something not go wrong? At first I thought that getting through the first trimester would alleviate some of my fears...then it was getting to viability, then it was to delivery. It's completely normal and unfortunately, I don't really have any advice for dealing with it other than to take every day one at a time and to know that it's normal to worry. And, truthfully, now that I have two beautiful amazing girls, now I worry something could happen to them.
Good luck! And, I do hope that you're able to find some peace and able to enjoy a bit of the pregnancy :happy:

Amorini

persimmon / 1132 posts

Feb 4, 2016

@ms.line: You are so right ... the healthy, normal pregnancy seems like the exception ... and effort and expense to get pregnant again. We paid for a two cycle plan -- no money back guarantee, just a bulk discount -- which is considered "complete" after a 9 week u/s confirms the hb. I got pregnant on the first cycle, but if I would miscarry at 10 or 11 or 12 weeks, we'd have to start over and not be able to use our second cycle in the plan. So fucking scary. Not to mention the hell of going through stims and stim recovery again. I've made it this far without telling work and I think I would either have to give up or quit my job than make more excuses for all of those appointments. Oh, I really should just shut up and stop thinking this way.... I am pregnant today. I am pregnant today. Thanks for your contact info -- I need those affirmations obviously! :heart:

@Caly: Thanks so much for your honesty. I agree -- I don't think the worry will go away, but I don't want it to steal everything. Like you said, spending so much time not being able to get pregnant and that sadness and apprehension is all I know. (And for me, that wasn't even super long and arduous like some, considering we were NTNP for most of our relationship before we knew he had dud swimmers). Now I have to re-path my brain for some major happiness.... who knew that would be hard! Thanks again! :heart:

BSB

hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

Feb 4, 2016

@Amorini: Congrats!!! Yay! I'm so happy for you. I completely understand how the worry is always there. Pretty much the entire pregnancy, I always braced myself for the floor to drop out. It wasn't a ton of stress (a lot of people would comment how calm I was with all the pregnancy complications I had) but more like I knew there was nothing I could do if I started losing one or both of my babies. Like after the 3 years of seeing BFNs, I was just used to bad news. Honestly, it's still pretty surreal that these two babies in my arms are mine and they are almost 5 months old. I love them to death and now can't see my life without them but it's still so shocking that I made these guys and through IVF, too. (Yeah, I try not to think about how much I spent.) I think that's why I feel a teeny tiny bit of distance from them because I think I was never ever overly (jumping up and down) excited because I had to prepare myself to hear bad news. Oh, I was definitely excited to be finally pregnant and then find out both took and both ended up making it until 34 weeks until I delivered. Having IF definitely took a little part of me. I think being disappointed for 3 years kinda changed me and how I look at life. That thinking was ingrained in my head. I did enjoy my pregnancy as much as I could. Took it day by day. Tried not to complain (it was hard when I had HG) because I thought about others still in the IF journey. Oh, even now with the babies here, I worry about SIDS, pediatric cancer and anything else that pops up in the news. I think a higher power could take one of these babies from me at anytime.

Anyway, I'm so glad you revived and created a new thread. I'll be definitely following you and others in you guys journey!! So excited and happy for you guys!! :goodluck: :heart: :happy:

ETA: I do need to get back to acupuncture. The excessive worry is starting to creep back in.

MrsKRB

nectarine / 2465 posts

Feb 4, 2016

@Amorini: thanks for starting this! Pregnancy is definitely different because of infertility, and it will be nice to have people who understand! I conceived with ivf after about 2 years ttc, I'm 22 weeks pregnant now and still feel like it will all be taken away from me. Every doctors visit makes it easier and the load slowly started to dissipate, but it's hard not to think something can go wrong when that's all you're used to! I still get really ragey and jealous when my friends talk about how easy it was for them. My friend who is due in July said 'I just got pregnant so quick because I bought opks.' No, no that's not why! Lol.

Mrs. Pinky

cherry / 120 posts

Feb 4, 2016

This is a wonderful idea! I'll post more when I have a second but I feel the same way!

YogiRunner

clementine / 849 posts

Feb 4, 2016

Thanks so much for starting this, and congratulations @Amorini!!!

The feeling of being used to bad news is a really hard one to shake. Like others have said, you're so used to steeling yourself for disappointment that you start over-thinking the bad scenarios. I'm 27 weeks and trying to be in the moment and love the experience, but I'm starting to freak out about what can happen in the 3rd tri.

But, feeling that baby move is incredible and reassuring! To me that has been the stage that made this whole experience feel so REAL. Here's what else has helped...
- Celebrating the milestones... the 12 week scan, the anatomy scan, even rocking your first pair of maternity jeans.
- Talking to your baby... It helps me stay present and grounded: there's a little one in there, and I'm it's Mom, no matter what happens. And I get happy and positive when we have our little "chats" (mostly during a kicking session!) :happy:
- Joining the due date board. Made me feel like a normal pregnant lady, not JUST an IF graduate.
- At the same time, it's been helpful sharing more of my IVF journey. Helps normalize my situation and people around me who know help me celebrate every little milestone.
- Do NOT google bad scenarios! Just don't. Know and accept what's in your control, and believe that everything will be amazing, because there is NO reason that it shouldn't be.

@MrsKRB: Hey lady. Congrats on being squarely in the 2nd tri! How's that bump doing :happy: And YES I get so freakin annoyed at those comments too. A friend made almost the same exact comment to me last year when I was starting IVF... "we finally got smart and used OPKs, and so obviously we got pregnant!" You just have to laugh to stay sane :silly:

MrsKRB

nectarine / 2465 posts

Feb 4, 2016

@YogiRunner: it's so crazy how far along we are! How are doing?

I agree, once you can start to feel the baby more frequently it feels more real. Although sometimes that pessimistic side of me says it's just gas :silly:

Amorini

persimmon / 1132 posts

Feb 4, 2016

Thanks ladies for these wonderfully heartfelt thoughts and experiences. Just hearing these things kind of normalizes the worrying in my head...

@bluestriped bee: Can't believe the twins are already 5 months! Your thoughts reminded me of what my acupuncturist said after I cried about my fears the other day.... She said imagine you are holding your baby (or babies), or talking to your five year old or your 30 year old... What would that version of you say to yourself today? My wiser self said that so much is out of our hands and what will be, will be. IF has totally brought the reality of uncertainty in life to the surface. I hope you can get back to acupuncture! Personally it helps me more than therapy!

@MrsKRB: Yay for 22 weeks! I'm glad that the weighty feelings have dissapated... I am so used to feeling a bit jealous of the bumps around town, avoiding FB and friends who conceived easily. All of those defense mechanisms seem like second nature now. I get what you mean about the feelings fading slowly, though some might take longer! I still never told my BFF that we did IVF. She was one of those girls who cried because she thought that she didn't get knocked-up on the first try. Turns out she did! Almost all of my close girlfriends are fertile myrtles so it's been isolating being childless and then going through IF. I know I will share my experience (and our BFP!) eventually but I'm not ready yet.

@YogiRunner: 27 weeks! There was.a total time warp for me in IVF where everyone else's life went super fast and mine went so slow. I'm sure the days didn't fly by quite so fast for you! Thanks for sharing your tips for staying sane. Love them, especially having little chats! :heart:

@Mrs. Pinky: How are those betas? I can't wait to hear how you are doing! I finally joined the due date board. Hope to see you there, too! :heart:

Mrs. Pinky

cherry / 120 posts

Feb 5, 2016

@Amorini: so glad you started this!! I could not agree more. I too thought a positive would be amazing (don't get me wrong, it totally is) but after a quick second of shock, the worry set in big time. I don't feel quite ready for due date board...maybe after my first u/s on the 10th which will be 6wk3d?? My betas have been great 1210 (18dp5dt) 4755 (22dpt) and 9377 (24dpt) all with a 48 hr doubling time...buuuuut it still doesn't feel real...cautiously optimistic may be the feeling for a very long time. DH and I haven't really "celebrated" yet, which is kind of sad but again like @ms.line said, being in the IF world you hear of so many terrifying things. I hope we continue to get nothing but positive news (the same goes for everyone on the IF board)!!!!

Trailmix

nectarine / 2152 posts

Feb 5, 2016

I'm not pregnant but I am an IF graduate with almost-3-year-old twins to show for it. I had an incredibly tough time with anxiety during my whole pregnancy. In fact, I never once made it through the two weeks between each scheduled ultrasound without going in for an 'unplanned' or 'emergency' ultrasound because I was so sure something was going wrong. I started going to therapy to try to manage the anxiety but I basically spent my entire pregnancy living in fear and certain that it would not result in anything other than sadness. I stopped leaving my apartment unless I had to, wouldn't go more than 10 miles away from my MFM's office, basically just flipped my shit.
Now at 3 years later and possibly will never be pregnant again, I'm really sad that I let anxiety control my life so much and that I wasn't able to really have any enjoyment during what is a really special time, your first pregnancy. I really wish I could have relaxed a little bit and let myself enjoy it.
So all that to say, if you can try to find some peace, some calm, and some joy, in this wonderful thing that is happening, let yourself feel those without worry of repercussion. If something happens, it will be horrible whether or not you worried beforehand. All the best in your pregnancy!

agold

grapefruit / 4045 posts

Feb 5, 2016

@Amorini: Thank you for starting up this thread! I'm 11 weeks right now and still suffering from extreme post traumatic IF syndrome. I'm finally in my last week of twice-daily PIO shots and will be "graduating" from my RE's office next Wednesday. I will say that the first and only appointment I've ever been more excited than dreadful/nervous at was last week when the baby was actually moving all around during the ultrasound and I saw two arms and two legs. Every ultrasound before that I just dreaded and was able to find something "wrong" with an otherwise perfect ultrasound. If I lose this baby, I will suffer the sadness of losing this baby, plus all the money to put us even more into debt if we wanted to try again, and these damn paralyzing painful PIO shots. If nothing else, I would need to take a serious break before "trying" again because I don't think my back, hips, sciatic nerves can take much more of these shots and I even think I'm handling the shots better than the few other IRL IVF girls who I've talk to about it. Also - for some reason I didn't think that I would be reaching the 3% miscarriage percentage until I reached 13 weeks. So that's the time I'm really hoping that the excitement can settle in for me. Phew. Rant over.

In sum, true excitement came for me at 11 weeks and I'm finally feeling a little more comfortable.

TeamJH

pea / 11 posts

Feb 9, 2016

@Amorini: what a great resource! I JUST had the guts to sign on the due date boards at 5w. My 2nd beta was on 2/4 at 11dp5dt and I will not have any more appts until my first u/s on 2/16 so it feels like I'm on another tww. :sad: I'm feeling a little anxiety if I'm even still pregnant. Debating if I should buy some HPT's just to pee on and reassure myself, but husband says I'm just being silly...

agold

grapefruit / 4045 posts

Feb 9, 2016

@TeamJH: Extra HPTs didn't really help me. I over analyzed the darkness of the line. One of my digitals said 2-3 weeks when I thought it should have said 3+ weeks. So I really don't advise getting more HPTs.

TeamJH

pea / 11 posts

Feb 9, 2016

@agold: ah, you're right! it'd be one more thing I would obsess over. thanks for the feedback.

agold

grapefruit / 4045 posts

Feb 9, 2016

@TeamJH: By the way, congratulations on your pregnancy!

Amorini

persimmon / 1132 posts

Feb 9, 2016

@TeamJH: Hey, congrats! You're pregnant!! Just responded on the other thread! I have the same wait as you almost. I have my first u/s on 2/15 ... a whole 6 more days. Going a little nuts over here, but also trying to stay as distracted as possible and as upbeat / positive attitude as possible. Hang in there! I don't think I would test with HPTs -- that would drive me crazy! Maybe plan some fun things to take care of yourself between now and then. I will go over and say hi to you on the due date boards now!

Amorini

persimmon / 1132 posts

Feb 9, 2016

@agold: Hey, lady! I can't believe you stop PIO tomorrow. What a milesone ... Almost out of the first tri with all of those scary statistics. I'm so glad you are now feeling the excitement. :heart: You deserve it!

@Trailmix: Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's interesting to hear your thoughts on being able to look back and talk to your newly pregnant and scared sh*tless self. Sending you so many hugs because it still sounds traumatizing. I'm sure you did everything you could do at that time! What a strong lady to go through what you did! :heart:

@Mrs. Pinky: How are you feeling, lady? Hope all is well. :heart:

Amorini

persimmon / 1132 posts

Feb 9, 2016

Okay, so I looked at miscarriage rates for my age. Maybe I should NOT have done that. I turned 40 y.o. on Saturday. :bummed: I am not bummed about my age, but just the brutal fact that my age essentially doubles any miscarriage statistic out there. I am trying to tell myself that since these embies came from 39 y.o. eggs last Fall that I am actually in the lower age bracket. Wishful thinking? I did read that seeing a hb at 7 weeks means a significantly lower loss rate. FX for next Monday. :heart:

agold

grapefruit / 4045 posts

Feb 9, 2016

@Amorini: Thanks for the comment, it really is a milestone! And please stop looking up that stuff. Yes, your eggs came from a 39 year old girl. So don't look at the 40y.o. statistics. And yes, once you hear that heart beat, the risk drops quite a bit. And try not to worry too much (as said by someone who has worried a lot). There is seriously always going to be something to worry about. I nearly cried this morning thinking about the potential cars my baby would be driven around in by various potential babysitters and was crying to my husband that they aren't safe enough and baby will die in a crash! Ummm... honestly. There will always be something to worry about.

Mrs. Pinky

cherry / 120 posts

Feb 10, 2016

Guys, I'm pregnant with twins. Had our first u/s this morning. I'm numb, excited, scared, excited, terrified, numb--rinse and repeat. We put in two frozen embies but I just didn't think they'd both stick. But here we are. Holy *HIT!!
@amorini: when is your u/s?
@teamjh: congrats!!
@trailmix and @agold: thanks for sharing your experiences, this is all so hard but taking dat by day has been helpful :happy:

mrsjd

clementine / 777 posts

Feb 10, 2016

@Mrs. Pinky: THRILLED beyond belief for you.

I'm about to hit 10 weeks on Friday, which seems like a huge milestone for me. My symptoms have lessened in the last week or so, so I am getting really anxious that something bad has happened. My next appointment is 2/23.

MrsKRB

nectarine / 2465 posts

Feb 10, 2016

@Mrs. Pinky: awww yay! Congrats!!! Are you prepared for twins?

@mrsjd: don't worry about symptoms! I hardly had/have any!

Amorini

persimmon / 1132 posts

Feb 10, 2016

@Mrs. Pinky: Yay, twinkies! Congratulations!! I'm so excited for you!

My u/s is Monday ... will be 7w2d ... I'm pretty upbeat but I have my worrying spells.

Caly

nectarine / 2765 posts

Feb 10, 2016

@Mrs. Pinky: Yay for twins! Congrats!

Mrs. Pinky

cherry / 120 posts

Feb 10, 2016

@Amorini: it'll be here before you know it!!
Thanks everyone!! I'm a fraternal twin, so my mom will be a good resource :wink:
@mrsjd, @caly,@mrskrb: thank you thank you! I'm still cautiously optimistic. Our next u/s is not until the 19th!

agold

grapefruit / 4045 posts

Feb 10, 2016

@Mrs. Pinky: Wow! Congratulations! How exciting! That's great that you, yourself, are a twin. You'll be less likely to get that dumb "are they natural" question that insensitive people ask when they see twins nowadays.

@mrsjd: I second the advice that you shouldn't pay too close attention to symptoms.

@Amorini: Ultrasounds always make me a little nervous. But just try your best to be excited. And take video of the ultrasound so that you can enjoy it after the appointment.

Amorini

persimmon / 1132 posts

Feb 15, 2016

Okay, a bit worried. 7w2d today. I'm on Crinone and have been doing the twice daily inserts for weeks now. Last night it just wouldn't "go in" and I think I abraded my cervix trying to push it up there. :bummed: There was a little bright red blood on the applicator when it came out. :shocked: My insides hurt like hell after and still feel very tender right now and can't walk normally. It burns when I pee and there was a little light pink spotting when I wiped this morning. I'm trying to not totally freak the hell out because I think the blood and pain are coming from outside the uterus, but naturally I'm worried that I did something to threaten my little growing blueberry. I'll be at the RE today for my first u/s so I'll know what's what soon enough. Assuming it's still a TV u/s, it's not going to be so joyous going in, but hopefully there will be something wonderful on the screen to distract me.... FX.

MrsKRB

nectarine / 2465 posts

Feb 15, 2016

@Amorini: I'm sure you just irritated something!! Good luck with your scan!

Mrs. Pinky

cherry / 120 posts

Feb 15, 2016

@Amorini: good luck today! Let us know how it goes!! I'm sure everything will be fine, sounds like things are a little irritated. Can't wait for you to see the little blueberry! It's surreal!

agold

grapefruit / 4045 posts

Feb 15, 2016

@Amorini: Bleeding and pain during pregnant is always scary. I'm so glad you are already scheduled for an ultrasound today. Your doctor should be able to see what's going on. Your baby is likely fine considering what you described happened. Please update when you can. I'm wishing you the best!

waiting4you

apricot / 344 posts

Feb 15, 2016

Hi everyone! I'm so glad I came across this board as a "graduate" of the IVF board, but someone not quite ready to take the leap to the October due date board..this is a great middle ground. Today marks 5 weeks, 4 days and we had another u/s and beta/progesterone blood draw today. While I've been reassured over and over that the OHSS (severe case) won't have an impact on our little bean, I can't help but be worried. Also, at todays scan it seemed like it took a lot longer than expected to find the sack and yolk sack. The dr. did find one, though he's "looking for a second sack". He seems pretty confident that he's going to find more than one, though I didn't seem to be far enough along today to get a clear enough picture. That was definitely a stressful u/s! :meh:

@Amorini: Thinking of you today! I'm sure all is well. Keep thinking positive thoughts! Looking forward to hearing u/s update too! :goodluck:

@Mrs. Pinky: Yayyyy!!! Twins!!! Are you excited? Terrified? I was always terrified at the thought of having twins but after everything we've gone through with IF, I'm definitely more open to it. How far along are you/when did they discover it was twins?

Mrs. Pinky

cherry / 120 posts

Feb 15, 2016

@waiting4you: so glad you are feeling better!!! So glad you saw at least one today! You are still early, so you're next u/s will be more telling if here is one or two! I hope to join a due date board as well but still feeling hesitant, maybe after I officially graduate from my RE?
I'm 7wks1day today :happy: and our next u/s is this Friday. We had our first u/s at 6wks3days and the two sacs were obvious right away.
Fingers crossed for you!

waiting4you

apricot / 344 posts

Feb 15, 2016

@Mrs. Pinky: I'm about 10 days behind you 5 weeks and 4 days today. Next u/s is at 7 weeks. Nice having someone just a step or two ahead of me! Waiting on beta numbers to come back today but not too worried about it. If anything, I'm "curious" about why my progesterone is so high (last bw it was 478 I believe). Random question, are u/s any more or less fuzzy if your bladder is full vs. empty?

Mrs. Pinky

cherry / 120 posts

Feb 15, 2016

@waiting4you: you definitely want an empty bladder :wink: you'll see a lot next time!!

MrsKRB

nectarine / 2465 posts

Feb 15, 2016

@waiting4you: I always have an empty bladder and my scans have been crystal clear.

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