I've been taking a break from Hellobee, because I just needed to not be focused on baby all the time for a bit. But I finally updated my blog with the latest ultrasound results, so I figured I'd update here as well. Thank you to everyone who's checked in on me. I do appreciate it, though I've been bad about replying.

As usual, if you want the crazy long-winded full details, check the blog, but here's the key points-

"The ventricles were approximately 24mm and 36mm. 24 isn't so bad (though it's not good), 36 is. The catch, however, is that she had flipped out of breech (normally a good thing, less so in this case), so her head was very low and they had a really hard time getting the right angles for the shots they needed of her head. Also, it's not a huge difference, but we were on a different ultrasound machine with a different tech, so the margin of error was a little higher. But based on the fact that they never got a shot that was straight on, and that the doctor said it would be very unusual for her ventricle growth to be that uneven, those numbers are actually probably something more like 26-28 and 32-34. (Note, that is my estimate, the doctor only said they were probably closer.) Which, of course, would be a little better, but keep in mind that last time they were 18 and 21. That's a lot of growth in a relatively short time (four weeks), especially since she had another six to go for sure (remember they said 34 weeks was the earliest they could deliver, because before that the risks of prematurity would be too great, and she'd be to small to handle surgery anyway).

I've read that the increase from one scan to the next is not a good indicator of what it will be in the future. Apparently the growth is not the sort to follow any sort of curve or anything. But I can't help but do the math. If they grew roughly 6-10 and 11-15mm's respectively in four weeks, in another six they could be as large as 40+ and 50+, which is well into severe and scary territory. I mean, theoretically, yes, they might stay the same or even get smaller, or at the very least grow more slowly. But it's scary.

At this point we're 100% planning to deliver at 34 weeks. I hit that on a Saturday, but we don't know if they'll get right on it or wait till that Monday or what. I would expect to make those plans at our appointment(s) tomorrow. Still, her birthday will almost certainly be July 26th or within a couple days of it. Today I had my first steroid shot, which they do to help her lungs, brain, etc mature to make prematurity less risky.

Tomorrow will be a long day again on appointments. First the usual ultrasound and meeting afterwards with my OB. Then we meet with the neurosurgeon again (same one we met with at 24 weeks), and then with someone from the NICU (not the same one as before). We'll see how she's doing (fingers extra crossed for good results on growth), and be able to get more detailed information about what this might mean for her prognosis, as well as a better idea of what to expect from her time in the NICU."

I went on quite a bit on the blog about how I'm handling it all, but long story short it's really scary and I was really upset at first, but I really am not capable of staying pessimistic, so I'm actually doing well. I have bad moments, and today was/is hard, with the shot (that hurt!) and dreading tomorrow's appointments, but DH has been amazing and we're both keeping it together.

If anyone has any positive NICU stories to share (I've read one blog, Mrs. Green Grass's I think?) that would be much appreciated. Also, I'm sad about my pregnancy being cut short, but as I get farther along and more uncomfortable I'm appreciating the silver linings more too. So if anyone wants to chime in with the bad things about the last 6 (or more) weeks that I'll get to miss, go for it.